I haven't written in so long, and I feel the overwhelming need to, just not the time. When my words seem worthy to capture, I am not in a place where they can be recorded so they rattle around in my head. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to paint or to write a poem... I haven't written poetry in months. I think I'm going to take some time right now to unleash some things.
I didn't expect coming home to Ohio to be so... good. Not that I expected it to be horrible, but I honestly expected it to be boring and to be filled with slow times and being bored out of my mind. And to be totally honest, I can barely believe it's the last week of June and that I will only be home for ten days in July! I have been so filled and have gained so much peace. Whether it be through my small group/Sunday school class, through leading Sr. High kids on a mission trip to North Carolina, through leading worship, through volunteering in the Church office... I've been blessed so much through this summer, and it's only 1/3 of the way over.
I have a certain friend (and 1. she won't read this so I'm going to use her name 2. it isn't bad so I'm going to use her name). My friend, Kendra and I have been through some pretty strange times together. Back in the beginning of high school, we were really close, and then we ended up hating each other. Last year while I was away at college we ended up reconnected after two or more years of barely speaking to each other. This summer, the girl is radically changing my life. The funny thing? She doesn't know it. I was terrified walking into this summer because my closest friend from home was going to be gone all summer. We're teaching a class together at camp and we talk all the time.. in my driveway about life. It's so good to have someone I can talk to and just be transparent with.
I miss transparency. Although I am loving this summer more than I ever thought I would, I miss Johnson and what I have there. Every semester changes with who comes into my life and who leaves it, but I am charged and ready to go back!
Everything is whirling around me right now. I feel like I'm debriefing from Cambodia-for possibly the first time and I'm trying so hard not to think about it. When I do think about it, everything comes flooding back and I feel this animosity toward my country and everyone around me because I can't express how I feel and it seems no one understands the little words I can get out. I am constantly fighting with myself, and truth be told, with God. This Holy Discontent is messing up my life. I have wondered this week what it would be like to live without it. I have wondered what it would be like to be content with what I have and to not want to change the world, or at least someone's world. As much as I have thought about it, I have tried to go back to that place in my life where I would have to reverse that life-change so this heart wrenching Holy Discontent didn't consume me at times.
I laughed when I realized it was when I accepted Christ.
God has completely and wholly messed up my life. I have been living this past year in a ball on the floor because I felt so immobile. There are times when my memories charge me again and I become paralyzed. But God gave me a passion, and I do not believe He put it there just for funsies. The Holy Spirit has been moving somethin ridiculous is me the last few weeks, and I believe it is because I needed to arrive at this conclusion. How am I? I'm messed up. I cry, I pitch fits inside of myself that no one sees, I hate America most of the time, I hate the food in front of me because I have food, I look at things on TV and my stomach turns because of materialism.. I'm not alright. I'm not content either. I don't think God ever wanted me to be.
I may not be alright, but I think I'm alright with Him messing up my life.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27
