God is messing up my life

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Wednesday, June 9, 2010 11:47 PM

Everything is whirling around me right now. I feel like I'm debriefing from Cambodia-for possibly the first time and I'm trying so hard not to think about it. When I do think about it, everything comes flooding back and I feel this animosity toward my country and everyone around me because I can't express how I feel and it seems no one understands the little words I can get out. I am constantly fighting with myself, and truth be told, with God. This Holy Discontent is messing up my life. I have wondered this week what it would be like to live without it. I have wondered what it would be like to be content with what I have and to not want to change the world, or at least someone's world. As much as I have thought about it, I have tried to go back to that place in my life where I would have to reverse that life-change so this heart wrenching Holy Discontent didn't consume me at times.


I laughed when I realized it was when I accepted Christ.

God has completely and wholly messed up my life. I have been living this past year in a ball on the floor because I felt so immobile. There are times when my memories charge me again and I become paralyzed. But God gave me a passion, and I do not believe He put it there just for funsies. The Holy Spirit has been moving somethin ridiculous is me the last few weeks, and I believe it is because I needed to arrive at this conclusion. How am I? I'm messed up. I cry, I pitch fits inside of myself that no one sees, I hate America most of the time, I hate the food in front of me because I have food, I look at things on TV and my stomach turns because of materialism.. I'm not alright. I'm not content either. I don't think God ever wanted me to be.

I may not be alright, but I think I'm alright with Him messing up my life.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27


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