I want to be married.
I'm not saying this because I'm at a bible college and I hope to receive an "MRS degree" or that valentine's day was yesterday. I have always wanted this.
My problem? Well, truly, there are two. One, I have never been on a date and therefore, don't quite know how to go about doing it.
Secondly, I'm scared. I've been hurt so much by so many people in my life that I don't know if I could give my heart to someone. I say that I would be able to. I say that I am ready for something so ridiculously scary...but I'm not sure I am. I think I just want it a lot. It comes down to wanted to be wanted. I've always been the best friend, or the little sister. I'm super good at that. I approach those relationships with not a lot of caution. I know what to do there, so I do it. I give advice, I hang out, I become one of the guys-I think.
I've always wanted to be loved.. But, I've recently come to the conclusion that I am loved. I have incredible friends. I've never been able to say that my friends would drop everything they were doing just to listen to me complain and watch me cry. BUT! I have that now. Who cares that I'm not in a relationship? I've been so stuck on caring for so long-for a while, it consumed me.
I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. Someone out there someday will fall in love with me for who I am. I want to be married. NO doubt about it. But, I figure, waiting has been good so far.. so what's the point in getting all in a huff about something I can't control anyway? I'm content with waiting for the first time.
My life is good, my friends are better. I like where I am.
I'm not quite sure what to write about.
There's a lot on my mind, even more on my heart.
I'm sleeping less and doing more. Coffee has become even more of my best friend as of late. I've learned to start over. I've been writing letters. I've been asking for forgiveness. I've been doing well in my classes.. Except for Chinese.. I think I kind of suck at it. I love the play. I'm addicted to Supernatural again. And spiced black chai tea. My highlighters are almost out of ink, thank you Dynamic Religious Movements. I love my friends. I'm stubborn. I hate memorizing lines. I got valentines in the mail today. I like my roommate. Sydney is coming in a few weeks. I hate politics in choir. I really like my job. I hate politics in choir. I'm worried for my friend. I hate politics in choir.
I wish I could put into words how I'm feeling.
At times, I feel so strong, courageous, and a go-getter of sorts. And other times, parts of my earth encompass me and I fall into my mattress as tears pour from my eyes for hours. These last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster. Some of the friends in my life have hurt my core so much that I could barely stand. Others have lifted me so high than my shoestrings were the only thing keeping me to this chunk of land. I have been hurt more in the last two months than I have been hurt in the last two years. But, I am soldiering on. For some reason, I'm allowing these people, person really, to continue to stay in my life. Part of me thinks it's a form of torture, and the other thinks that I'm growing because of it.
My heart has been filled so much that one little pinprick feels like an icepick has been taken to my delicate instrument of life. I've had a lot of pinpricks these last few months. But I'm living. My heart is beating. And I'm alright.
Oh, and on a different note.. I shall be playing Mrs. McCutcheon in "The Man Who Came to Dinner" in my first play since my Senior year! SO pumped :)
Who are you to judge me? I know I am not perfect and do not claim to be. But before you start pointing your fingers, make sure your hands are clean.
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that you've decided to live beyond the imperfections. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer will always be no. If you don't step forward, you'll always be in the same place. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
I never thought life was going to be easy. I've never been one to always dream of puppies and fields of flowers. But at the same time, I never thought life could end up being this great.
Sure, this week has been kind of crazy and I've shed my fair share of tears, but I wouldn't trade this life I've been given for anything. My friends, mistakes and all, are wonderful to me. Without them I don't know how I would be walking through college. This God I have and try to serve is so great and so mighty that He has known all along that I would get to this place in my life and look back on everything and know that He had his reasons. While some seem silly to me, I see myself strengthening.
I look back a year ago and the differences are so ridiculous. Jesus makes people new, and He picked me to be on His team. Sometimes I'm a really bad player and I sit out because I think I can't go on. But He's pretty much the best coach out there.
This semester, I have learned so much about myself. I feel that next semester will change a lot of things for me and that these last few months have prepared me. I have finals next week that may drastically change my next semester. I'm trying to be prepared. But, alas, I am not.
It will be alright.
It always is.
I have locked myself in my room and have positioned myself here. I have a song on repeat and want to write until the sun sets. Although the last is not possible because of obligations this afternoon, this is the only time I have today to breathe.
This week is going by SO much faster than I expected. Tonight I have a four hour practice that will include Tour Choir practice, combined choir practice, and probably my quartet practice. Maybe dancing? Who knew I would actually remember what to do! My dance partner isn't so bad, actually, it's fun now that he is actually doing what he is supposed to do. -We got this.
Today in Chapel, I barely sang. It really isn't that important.. but without a full band, the voices sound beautiful. And today was one of those days when one of those smiles just came across my face and I couldn't stop myself from listening and adoring what God has gifted people with. Even those who can't sing made it beautiful. The passion that people have for worshiping is so much more beautiful than voices. A lot would argue, but I would win.
I used to walk really slowly. everywhere I went I was always in the back of the group taking in everything, looking around... being that strange girl with her head in the clouds. Sometime last year life caught up with me and I sped up. My steps started going faster and now I usually look down at my feet and speed walk to wherever I'm going. I like lollygagging! I always leave ten mins before I need to anyway.. Maybe I should go slower. maybe my life would seem to slow too, then.
So.. this is cute:
"Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep
I'll be right here
I'll stay awake
As long as you need me
To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I'm watching over you" -Keep You Safe -JJ Heller.
Fan.
