It is now less than two weeks than I go to Cambodia.
And well, I'm scared out of my mind.
I feel really unorganized and not prepared emotionally. I am so excited to go, but am uneasy. This is the most crazy, radical, most unpredictable (even though most people who know my heart knew I was going to go to Cambodia even if it killed me) thing I've ever done. I've been watching my life slip by the last few months and have no idea why I've been letting it happen to me. It won't even hit me that I'm going to Cambodia until I'm there..
I wish I could say that I was excited.
I wish it were easier, but in my life I've learned that it isn't. No, I'm not the perfect friend-no one is- But I am the kind of person who puts a lot into friendships. I try. It frustrates me and hurts me when the friendships I hold closest don't give back. Like a one way street, I guess.
A friend is someone who is there in someone's time of need, right? And even if they can't be they don't just ignore them.. At least, they shouldn't. I don't think I'm overreacting, I think I'm just feeling. It stinks beings away from some friends for the entire school year and then expecting things to just be the way they were. They aren't the same and won't be again. I guess really I'm just talking about one friend. My heart hurts. I feel like I don't want to let that person in again because I don't want to keep getting hurt. Because it would be me letting them in. Space? Maybe that would be good. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess it can't matter.
I miss having someone to talk to and talk with. I haven't had that in a long time. There's a lot in and on my heart that I need to share, but when no one wants to listen it makes it really difficult. Especially when I feel like I'm talking to an emotionless wall.
I miss my JBC friends who actually cared about how I was doing and knew when I wasn't doing well. I hate the fake friendships here. I just want to back at JBC.-home
Just some pictures I've taken that remind me of summer :)
The end, for now.
Posted by
Cracks Let The Light Come In
11:39 PM
That's right. It's summer. In less than a week I will be on my first mission trip - to downtown Cincinnati as a leader for the junior high mission trip with my youth group for four days. In less than a month I will be in Cambodia for 16 days. Soon thereafter, it will be time for school once again.
Right now... I guess I'm just bored. I have really nothing to do so I stay hulled up in my room most days. I even rearranged my room to pass time - but it only took a couple of hours.
I've been looking forward a lot to the future, because quite frankly, the present is stagnant. I could always get out there and change that, but I don't. -wonder why. Next year I'll be living by myself. I've been trying to draw out what my room will look like, but for some reason when you put your artistic abilities in a can for a year, they seem to dissipate. I am quite sad about that. I've been sewing though. I like that very much.
Here are some things I've observed so far in my summer:
-Cheerios commercials have subliminal messages in them because every time I see one, I want Cheerios.
-I really will live out of suitcases all summer long because I don't feel like unpacking for what seems like weeks, only to just go back.
-I'm a really light sleeper. When people talk in the kitchen (on the other side of my house) I wake up.
-I like going to bed at 4 in the morning.
-Wireless internet is amazing.
-Everwood is just as awesome as it was years ago when it was wrongly canceled.
-I have callouses on my fingers from sewing.
-I think I snore.
-When everyone is sleeping, it is when I tend to make the most noise.
-I miss my friends from Johnson and feel weird around my friends here-like I'm just on another visit waiting to go back.
-My room has cool things to take pictures of.
-I'm all out of things to write about.
I'm insecure.
I always have been.
I always will be.
And it sucks.
Well, it is 12:47 am, my roommate is asleep and I feel like my life is speeding past me before I can even think about breathing. Although I am currently sitting in the quiet of the night with only Lauren's refrigerator making noises and my typing, I can still hear all the ridiculous thoughts in my head of the things I have to accomplish in the next three weeks.
I love Johnson, don't get me wrong, but I feel very much like I will be thrilled when this semester is over. Not because I want to leave (not that reason at all actually). But because I can come back with a fresh start and a new perspective on things the next fall.
I'm going to Cambodia this summer. In 76 days, actually. I will be there for 16 days and will be spending the majority of my time with rescued sex trafficking victims. even though I m thrilled for this summer, I cannot help but think forward to NEXT summer when i do my internship. It seems like i will be in West Africa all summer with Pioneer Bible Translators. AND THEN, the summer after that, I start my semester early and go down to Dallas, Texas for one semester to get all of my specialty Linguistics courses at the Graduate Institute of Applied Linguistics.
I hope I make friends. I don't want to be lonely there.
For those that are actually reading this all the way through, it may seem like I have a lot of friends and that I am a "social butterfly". Inside.. I'm awkward and insecure. I feel like my friends don't like me and that they are only being nice to be because they feel sorry for me. Granted, not all the time, and not with all of them.... But that looming semester will be trivial and very interesting for me.
I will be rooming by myself next semester. Next year, really. And probably all my college life unless by some crazy happenstance I get married and then the man of my dreams becomes my roommate. In some ways, I am excited. I will not have to feel bad for sleeping (sorry Lauren). And can make my messes where I want to and only really have to clean up on roomcheck night... But, I will get lonely. It will be weird living by myself when I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by people. Even when I travel with Tour Choir we room together. 2, 3 I've stayed with as many as 5 other girls at once before! You learn a lot about people when you live with them.
You learn a lot about yourself when you live with people. I've learned a lot from my current roommate. I love her dearly and will miss her when she leaves and doesn't come back to slice me in half with a light sabor JUST to say oops, or turn on the noise maker every night so we can sleep. But, ya know.. People come and go in your life. She will go, but won't be forgotten. Truth be told, I'm not too sure who else could deal with my crazy phone-throwing-rants that I get into when some people upset me. I don't know how she does it. I guess I'm just not willing to try it out on anyone else... Oh well. I'll keep myself company :)
Anyway, I really should be getting to bed seeing as it's after 1:00 and my eyelids are beginning to droop.
Goodnight. :)
