Looking back a year ago, I was preparing to step foot inside of a country's borders that would forever change my life. I have always been the kind of person that says and then does. When I said I was going to Cambodia, I knew I was going: everyone else around me knew it too.
I have always been determined and have always felt strong. When I returned from Cambodia, I felt weak and shattered. I saw things and experienced things I never imagined. I prepared for my Cambodia trip by reading facts because truly, I couldn't relate to the experience stories. When I was there, I felt so small. Abduction, sin, prostitution and trafficking was all around me, and most days I felt more like a tourist than a missionary. I fought with myself and with God everyday. I fought with my teammates inside of my head because I heard selfish comments about it being too hot or not liking the food. Upon our departure, I heard people wanting nothing more than to go home or to eat American food. I couldn't imagine leaving the people I'd come to love-who loved us so wholly. Our mission had just started, and we were leaving.
At one point in our trip, we were driving in downtown part of the capital. People around me were talking about wanting a massage. Places that give massages in Cambodia are more often than not, brothels. At that point, I saw a girl standing on the street in front of a brothel. In Cambodia, men pay under five dollars to "stay with a girl". Women sell their daughters for 100 dollars. I would've given every penny I had to jump out of the bus and save her. She was right there. So close. And I don't think anyone else saw her because they were too wrapped up in themselves to look out the window.
Less than a minute later, I saw another brothel with no less than ten girls.
I could write on, but I feel it would be too depressing.
Sometimes life is funny. I've been thinking for the last few months that it would be really hard to come back to Ohio for the summer and leave all my friends.
I feel like I'm starting over. I'm becoming a new person. I'm learning new things about myself. I think I did this last summer too, probably because of my ample free time. It's good to not be around people all the time. I really love silence. Sometimes I hate it, but I think that's because I have to deal with myself in silence. Right now, I have the time to deal and to process.
I like this.
I am braking and I am breathing. I haven't breathed since right before I set foot on Johnson's campus in the fall. Then everything went into hyper-drive and I almost suffocated.
Although my summer is off to a refreshing start, I am quite confused about something. It's alright, though. In a few short months in will be remedied I do hope.
I feel alive again. I want to go back to Johnson. But not right now. I need this. I need this break. Breathing is good, and I have been holding my breath for far too long thinking it would sting my lungs. Granted, change is hard, but loving and living is so much greater than just being.
I feel real.
So.. I'm not in SGA anymore. Not really by choosing, and I'm not really sure why. I think that myself, and another SGA member assumed, and wrongly apparently, that because we were current members our names would continue to be on the ballot. I was also told that I was nominated for another position. When I received a ballot, my name was not on it for either spot. I think it may be best though. I was incredibly disappointed, and part of me still is.. but thinking it through has given me time to think of this more as a blessing. I never really went to the events, I just planned them. Plus, it's going to give me more time to participate in things that I want to do. I don't believe it's all that bad.
I miss the play. So much. I want the experience back. I want the people back. I miss the stage and being able to transform into someone else. I love when all troubles melt away and the persona of another character envelopes you. It's magical, and I miss it.
