Cracks Let the Light Come In

Broken Hallelujah.

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Monday, January 3, 2011 11:20 PM

Ever since I decided to not go to Thailand in January, I've seen my almost-teammates' posts, and have felt a twinge of loss in my heart. Although strange to feel loss over something I've never actually had, it's very real. Almost like unrequited love in a sense. When thinking back on my decision, I know it's the only thing I could've done. Through the entire process of this trip, I never once consulted God on what I should do. It was something I was doing, and something that I almost feel was expected of me. People asked me all semester long how I was feeling: if I was scared, nervous or excited. To be truthful, I'm not sure I felt much throughout the entire process. I was so wrapped up in the present that I wouldn't let myself focus on the future. It was as if by preparing for Thailand, I would somehow leave the state of mind I was in. This semester was no easy one- spiritual warfare attacks from all sides; but I wouldn't change it. I learned so much about myself this semester. I transformed into a better woman of God. I changed physical things about myself to remind myself that I wasn't just a being eating, drinking and breathing daily. And lately, my mind has been racing in step with my heart to a passion I almost had forgotten. My heart rejoices to be going back to school, but it weeps to know what I could've had. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like I've let people down: my supporters, my friends, myself, God. I let go of something that I wanted and that I loved. Something I was so passionate about. And now? Now I don't know what I want, what I'm supposed to do with my life. 

I think my time in Cambodia is done. It nearly destroyed me. I made so many incredible memories and my time no doubt changed my life. But I'm not so sure that I'm meant to go back. Since I returned to the states, all I wanted was to go back. The more I think about it, the more I think it's because I wanted my time there to never end-not because I was called to go back. I knew it would be difficult to return from Cambodia to the states. I just didn't think it would've destroyed me like it did. To think I'm not meant to go back to Asia makes me wonder what on Earth I'm supposed to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, and God surely showed me that I am not in control. Making the decision to go back to school broke my heart. When I think about sitting in my dorm room and not sitting on a plane to Thailand, I literally fall apart. But, I couldn't have done it any other way. In all of my Christian walk, I would say that hearing and responding to the "wait" I felt so clearly was the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I feel an overwhelming need to express myself in some other way than tears. I have so much in me, and don't know how to let it out. The only praise I can muster is this broken hallelujah. My only offering is shattered praise. Still, a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins.