Crack Me Open, Please.
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Sunday, September 27, 2009 1:18 PM
Today I didn't take communion.
I thought I was going to as the man up front was talking about it, but as the trays were passed and I held the small square of 'bread' in my hands... I couldn't. I don't really know what is inside of me that is so against communion lately, but I felt so unworthy, and I felt so rushed. I felt that if I had had more time in that instance, if I had not been around a bunch of people... I would have been able to process the things that are on my heart.
I'm thinking about leaving school. Since I got back from Cambodia, everyone has been asking me how it was, and all I want to do is scream. I don't want to be here. I have this Holy Discontent while I'm just sitting in classes and doing all of this homework that is keeping me still. My heart ACHES to be somewhere else. I love Johnson, but it's so comfortable here. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I just need to break down and cry. I skipped my speech class Friday because I was having an emotional breakdown while being overwhelmed thinking about Cambodia and school... trying to figure out what to do next. If one more chapel speaker comes in and talks about missions.. I might lose it. Harvesters wants me and Matthew to come and share our experience about Cambodia.. but I don't think I can do it. Yes, I know people need to know about it and what is happening there, but I am not in the right frame of mind to do any speaking about this country. Maybe I take a semester away to process? But I don't know if I would really come back.. Again, if I left to do missions right now, I don't think I would ever come back to school. I know what I am doing here is necessary training... But my heart is aching so much and my mind is whirling in so many different directions that I can barely walk straight. My classes leave me more confused than ever and my logic and my emotions fight daily.
I just want to know what I'm doing and where I'm going.
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