Cracks Let the Light Come In

Ramblings of a Beggar

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Saturday, November 28, 2009 12:04 AM

"Am I really living or am I just existing?" happens to be the first line of the song I began listening to in preparation for writing tonight. Funny.

You know that feeling you get right around Christmas time? The kind of 'just present' feeling that makes Christmas music not so annoying and the love of Grandparents and toddlers singing out of tune beautiful. It's the kind of feeling that really does feel like good tidings and good cheer. Maybe it's also because it marks an end. Obviously Christmas comes at the end of the year and this joyous occasion only comes then (except for those strange people who think it happens in July?). The date never changes, and, usually, the feeling of Christmas stays within the date range.

I had this all to familiar Christmasy feeling in August. I had never felt it so out of season. In October, maybe. But it was near 100 and the humidity was wreaking havoc on all those who cared about their hair. I don't know why my heart wanted it to be Christmas then, but now, all I want to do is go back to summer..

Christmas is like one of those times when you catch a scent in the breeze. Something you've smelled before, but you can't place it. I used to have one of those smells. It only happened when I was outside and I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was. But every so often.. when the wind would blow.. My mind would remember something and my heart would go racing after the unseen. I would reach and reach to try to grasp the memory. But, I never succeeded.

Snow does that for me. Something that can be so tragic and so deadly I see as something invigorating and empowering. I still get upset when people walk in "my snow". That is probably the one thing I miss the most about Ohio. Snow Storms. In my bathroom, I have a little window. When it snows, I go inside and close the door, turn the lights out and open my window. I'm pretty sure I could listen to snow falling for the rest of my life. People like rain. Rainfall sounds messy and destructive. I pick snow. It's mystical and magical-eerie almost. Floating to the ground with a sound that I have never read or ever heard accurately described.

I have always loved snow. I have always loved winter. I have always loved when ice danced on bare branches white. So why is that I somehow want to return to summer all of a sudden? I think it's because the year is coming to a close, and I left my heart in July.