Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Tuesday, March 2, 2010 6:15 PM
Sometimes my heart is taken to a place of memory. Dragged through woods, through mud, through confusion. Back through weeks and months to a place it hasn't been to in a long a time. It is not uncommon for me to push these memories away. I choose to forget the weeks in my life when those events took place.-It makes it easier somehow. But at the same time, it causes my life to become so stagnant, so unreal. I feel like my heart isn't beating sometimes. If it is, the blood is slow. As morbid as it sounds, I don't think I'm quite living. I haven't dealt with it. I haven't seen my life with this event in it. I'm living outside of possibilities.
A big part of me doesn't want to remember. A bigger part of me needs to. I just don't understand how my heart can long to be in a place so much. A place where I learned love but a place where my delicate instrument got torn to shreds. I don't understand why I want to go back so much but I'm so against it at the same time. Maybe it's because having a calling is so scary. Because I'm scared. I'm downright terrified.
But I remember those smells. I remember their faces. I remember the sounds. I remember the way love felt there. I remember having a place there. And I remember feeling completely broken and torn apart coming back. I don't want to do it again.
But I've been called to.
So I will go.
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