The Idea of Love
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:56 AM
I thought I was in love once.
Not the middle school, ooohhh ahhhh-he looked at me, weak in the knees- love. But the kind that when taken away, tears your heart to shreds. I cried myself to sleep for years after he and I parted ways. After I screwed it up really. It seems silly now, but I said one wrong thing, and everything blew up. really, I was crying and angry for different reasons, but now I look at my life and wonder what it would have been like if he had been in it. I was told by someone once that I may never feel so strongly about another as I did about him in that instant. -I think my older, happily married friend was speaking from experience.
When we were together, we fought constantly. But, I almost craved it. Just to be around him. After what never began was officially severed, he lashed out even more than before. Personally attacking me, bringing me to tears often. I haven't spoken more than a paragraph to him a year's time. We are completely different people now. Well, I went away to college. And when I came back, I saw him laughing-saw him smiling.. something I hadn't seen in a long time. I see him changing into the man he is supposed to be. It's a beautiful sight to see really.
I'm pretty sure I was in love with the idea of being loved. I always have been, truthfully. Now it is almost as if I run from love. It is very easy for me to give love and often times, I give too much which ends with me hurt. It has always been hard for me to accept love. I would rather tell someone I love them than hear it. I would rather do something for someone than have something done for me.
Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to accept God's love. I know He loves me. I can sing all the songs, read all the books, do all the homework assignments and do all the devotionals... But, I don't know when I will know it in my heart. Or, rather, when I will remember. It is not hard for me to love God. This beautiful, majestic, wonderful Creator who took time out of His busy schedule to create me. But when I look in the mirror.. Do I believe it? I don't understand how a beautiful perfect God can love something like me.
I want to be so in love with God that it consumes my every thought. That it brings me to tears and I fall to my knees as if I have lost the love of my life. I just don't know where to begin.
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