Cracks Let the Light Come In

Well... Here I Am..

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Friday, August 21, 2009 4:05 AM

So.. earlier this summer, I noted how light of a sleeper I am and tonight, this has proved all too true. I am finally in Tennessee and will move into Johnson in five hours. Unfortunately, one member of my family has a nasty snoring problem. Being that things are all packed away in the van out in the parking lot, my computer charger is, of course, in the van. I just got the first "warning" of my battery being low on my laptop, so, hopefully the post will be finished before then and my mother will stop snoring.

I made it.

Granted, I have not set foot on the Johnson Bible College campus yet, unloaded my things, figured out who on earth my computer is supposed to connect to the ridiculous new network.. But, I've made it. The last two months have been an emotional roller coaster with Cambodia thrown in and a few other things.. but.. I just feel so at peace. I feel rested although I haven't really slept since last night and am yawning while I am typing this. I just feel good.

With starting a new school year, usually there is anticipation, fear and anxiety. But right now.. I feel so peaceful. Granted, I think I would feel more peaceful if I could actually sleep in this hotel room.. but I didn't think I ever would because of the emotions listed above. I feel like I ended the last page of Prologue of my life as Freshman year ended. I don't know why this year isn't going to be a sequel, but it won't. This year is the beginning: the beginning of who I am really supposed to be.

When I set out to college the first time for my Freshman year, my youth minister hugged myself and one of my really close friends who also went away to college. He said to her, "I love you, be good, call if you need me." But to me, he said, "be the real Emma Petitt that you were meant to be." He probably put it more eloquently than I remember, but the words resonated with me so much that I did seek to find who I truly was in my first semester. It hurt my relationships with some and ended others. In May, I gained a friend back that I had missed dearly for three years. Even through all of the 'soul searching', I didn't find who Emma Petitt was until this summer. I want to be her. I need to be her. The Emma Petitt that I have caught glimpses of this summer is quiet, reserved, thinks things through, does not like attention, a leader when she needs to be, passionate with every fiber of her being, would honestly rather observe people than engage with them, she likes to sing, but loves to listen. She feels like photography capture things that the eyes can sometimes miss and helps people remember what has been etched away in the heart. She has re-found her talent to paint. She, obviously, seeks the need to write. Now, if you are like me, who clearly knows the old Emma.. it seems strange that someone can change like this in one summer.. or a year. But.. I think I've always been this way. This me has been something fighting to get out my entire life but has been hidden away behind rage and hatred that looked like me for a long time. Then I wanted ot everyone's friend because I knew what it felt like to not be. And now, I can look back a year ago and be astonished that I talked as much or the things I was saying. All I want to do now is listen. There is so much beauty found in listening, and I take great joy in knowing that many many people do it.. so it's kind of like my secret.
Yes... I will still be obnoxious. Yes, I will still dance horribly in public. Yes, I will still say those stupid things that no one expects me to say because I can't hear anything so my thoughts get mixed up. But I guess it is safe to say that a war has begun within me. And not a quiet one. It is one that will change me, for good. And if I succeed, and I hope that I do. I will be what Brian told me to be. I will be the person I am supposed to be.

Even if it's a year or so after he said so.