Cracks Let the Light Come In

Risky Business

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Monday, August 3, 2009 2:18 PM

A lot has been happening in my life the last month. A crazy whirlwind of emotions began and have not ceased. Long story short, I went to Cambodia, had shell shock/ re-entry shock and am still fighting with the two voices in my head, so to speak. I got my hair chopped off. And, strangely enough, I wanted more off when 6 beautiful inches of my hair fell to the ground. I only have..16? days until I go back to Johnson. Haha. I'm not ready. At least not as ready as I was last year. I still haven't unpacked from Cambodia! Last year, I was packed by the beginning of the summer and had to live my life out of boxes for three months.
I will say that I am incredibly glad to be going back to Johnson though. My heart yearns to be back there. And at Summit too. It's funny how God can work. A church that I never saw myself at is where I cannot wait to return to. There is immense joy in my heart. Joy to be back and to restart the life I love and not be in this waiting process that I have been stuck in all summer.

I can still smell Cambodia sometimes. I can still feel the heat on my skin. I can still hear the laughter and see the smiling faces. I can still feel the overwhelming love and see the strongest light from Christians I've ever seen in my life. The memories are etched into my soul. But the details are slowly fading. I wish SO much that they weren't. My heart aches to think that I could forget that place and that time in my life. When I think about seeing them, here in America, I burst into tears. I'm not sure if it's the prospect of seeing them again or knowing that they won't ever have this life. Although I hate so much what I have here..It is my life. I have been blessed beyond anything they can ever imagine. Maybe I've been blessed with this so I can give it to them. -Not sell everything I have and own so I can have the money to return or have the money to give it to the families and children I fell in love with so they have money to eat and not to sell their daughters into prostitution.

40 dollars could be the difference between life and death-selling her child or not. When I gave Kim Leung's mom that money for food and the HIV test, she got on her knees and thanked me with the folding of her hands and her bowing her head. She is so fragile. And so beautiful. Often times I feel guilty about wanting school to come so quickly.. schooling for half a year to them is 500 dollars. That is an incredible fortune to them. Last semester I had a book that cost 111.00. That's more than 1/5 of their schooling.

But I wasn't born there-I have to keep telling myself that. I can't mentally punish myself for something that I couldn't control-something so much as to what country I was born in. And they can't either. Poor to them is normal. I walk away amazed how they're happy with how small they have then I loathe everything I have.. But I think they wouldn't like this life. Maybe I'm wrong. And I could be.

I've started painting again. I think it's helping. Even if I can't get out the emotions right then that are overwhelming.. It helps me to focus on something else. It's been good. And I've been talking about Cambodia more. It doesn't seem so traumatizing now. I am speaking at the missions committee meeting this Wednesday, so I will see what happens. But I'm not scared anymore after I talked with Sarah for a long time about Cambodia. It's a place I've come to love. I want to return.

I'm not the same. Not at all. Someone told me once that short term missions don't change people.. But I don't agree. I look at the world differently. I think differently. I look at myself differently. I love differently. I will say that this is the only one out of six mission trips I've been on that have ever had this effect on me. I think it had something to do with not being with the youth group. I'm glad I wasn't with them.

When I first came back, I said I would go back right then. But now.. I want to go back to school. Plus, my heart can't take the difference in worlds right now. I need to breathe. I need to stop being tired or my heart and mind being pulled in two completely different directions.

My teammate, Kathleen, wrote this: "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is… if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."

It's risky business to love someone, but risk I shall.