Cracks Let the Light Come In

The Truth of the Matter Is

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Sunday, August 23, 2009 7:27 PM

I wish I could describe how I feel. I don't know if it is because of coming back to Johnson, and having the re-entry shock here... but I can't find the words. I want to be isolated and crawl into a ball. Maybe it's because to get out of this rock and a hard place, I have to get up.. and to get up I have to actually take action. Action is scary. All I want to do is lie down in the dirt and cry, making a mess of myself and the tears. I love Johnson, and love my friends.. but my heart is not in the right place.

I didn't take communion this morning. For the first time since I've become a Christian, I chose not to partake. For me, it was an outward sign that I wasn't going to keep going through the motions and that my life is screwed up. I don't think anyone around me even noticed that I didn't get up, not that I did it for the attention... But I wondered how many of the people that immediately stood to their feet to go to the communion tables we 'ready' to partake. Are we ever? One of the definitions for Communion is intimate fellowship or rapport. I have not had intimate fellowship or rapport with or for God for a long time, and today I had to deal with that. I've been going through the motions for so long that I just took communion because it was 'what I was supposed to do'. No, I'm not going to fix myself before I go to Jesus, blah blah blah.. But I needed to do this. Go ahead.. argue with me. But when Caleb was talking about the gift that we had and how we take it for granted so often, I knew that if I took communion in that service, I would be doing just that. Communion, much like the rest of my life, has become such a ritual. A chore, and not something to look forward to.

So, I am sitting here in my room. My heart is heavy and I can't find words for how I feel. Tomorrow is another day.. I shall see what comes of it.