Who are you to judge me? I know I am not perfect and do not claim to be. But before you start pointing your fingers, make sure your hands are clean.
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that you've decided to live beyond the imperfections. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer will always be no. If you don't step forward, you'll always be in the same place. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
I never thought life was going to be easy. I've never been one to always dream of puppies and fields of flowers. But at the same time, I never thought life could end up being this great.
Sure, this week has been kind of crazy and I've shed my fair share of tears, but I wouldn't trade this life I've been given for anything. My friends, mistakes and all, are wonderful to me. Without them I don't know how I would be walking through college. This God I have and try to serve is so great and so mighty that He has known all along that I would get to this place in my life and look back on everything and know that He had his reasons. While some seem silly to me, I see myself strengthening.
I look back a year ago and the differences are so ridiculous. Jesus makes people new, and He picked me to be on His team. Sometimes I'm a really bad player and I sit out because I think I can't go on. But He's pretty much the best coach out there.
This semester, I have learned so much about myself. I feel that next semester will change a lot of things for me and that these last few months have prepared me. I have finals next week that may drastically change my next semester. I'm trying to be prepared. But, alas, I am not.
It will be alright.
It always is.
I have locked myself in my room and have positioned myself here. I have a song on repeat and want to write until the sun sets. Although the last is not possible because of obligations this afternoon, this is the only time I have today to breathe.
This week is going by SO much faster than I expected. Tonight I have a four hour practice that will include Tour Choir practice, combined choir practice, and probably my quartet practice. Maybe dancing? Who knew I would actually remember what to do! My dance partner isn't so bad, actually, it's fun now that he is actually doing what he is supposed to do. -We got this.
Today in Chapel, I barely sang. It really isn't that important.. but without a full band, the voices sound beautiful. And today was one of those days when one of those smiles just came across my face and I couldn't stop myself from listening and adoring what God has gifted people with. Even those who can't sing made it beautiful. The passion that people have for worshiping is so much more beautiful than voices. A lot would argue, but I would win.
I used to walk really slowly. everywhere I went I was always in the back of the group taking in everything, looking around... being that strange girl with her head in the clouds. Sometime last year life caught up with me and I sped up. My steps started going faster and now I usually look down at my feet and speed walk to wherever I'm going. I like lollygagging! I always leave ten mins before I need to anyway.. Maybe I should go slower. maybe my life would seem to slow too, then.
So.. this is cute:
"Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep
I'll be right here
I'll stay awake
As long as you need me
To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I'm watching over you" -Keep You Safe -JJ Heller.
Fan.
I'm back in Tennessee.
It feels nice.
Although life is going to speed off into space on a crazy busy rocket ship at 6 pm tonight, I don't care.
I'm back in Tennessee.
And I'm breathing.
Ok. So.. I miss Cambodia. I've tried a lot of different things to forget (which sounds really bad) but my heart is so fixated on that place, I feel like I'm not living my life. I know life isn't supposed to be filled with happy smiles and be pain free.. But when I think about Cambodia, it's really hard to get up from the ball that I end up crawling into. I have no idea if my other teammates are in the same boat as I am, but they seem to be doing well.
I just don't get why I'm being so affected by this period of time in my life that happened this summer. I have an opportunity to go to Myanmar and Thailand this summer, but have not finished the application because I am so terrified of there being an amplified version of this me next year.
I know I left a piece of my heart there, but sometimes it feels like that piece is the only piece that is beating.
Posted by
Cracks Let The Light Come In
12:04 AM
"Am I really living or am I just existing?" happens to be the first line of the song I began listening to in preparation for writing tonight. Funny.
You know that feeling you get right around Christmas time? The kind of 'just present' feeling that makes Christmas music not so annoying and the love of Grandparents and toddlers singing out of tune beautiful. It's the kind of feeling that really does feel like good tidings and good cheer. Maybe it's also because it marks an end. Obviously Christmas comes at the end of the year and this joyous occasion only comes then (except for those strange people who think it happens in July?). The date never changes, and, usually, the feeling of Christmas stays within the date range.
I had this all to familiar Christmasy feeling in August. I had never felt it so out of season. In October, maybe. But it was near 100 and the humidity was wreaking havoc on all those who cared about their hair. I don't know why my heart wanted it to be Christmas then, but now, all I want to do is go back to summer..
Christmas is like one of those times when you catch a scent in the breeze. Something you've smelled before, but you can't place it. I used to have one of those smells. It only happened when I was outside and I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was. But every so often.. when the wind would blow.. My mind would remember something and my heart would go racing after the unseen. I would reach and reach to try to grasp the memory. But, I never succeeded.
Snow does that for me. Something that can be so tragic and so deadly I see as something invigorating and empowering. I still get upset when people walk in "my snow". That is probably the one thing I miss the most about Ohio. Snow Storms. In my bathroom, I have a little window. When it snows, I go inside and close the door, turn the lights out and open my window. I'm pretty sure I could listen to snow falling for the rest of my life. People like rain. Rainfall sounds messy and destructive. I pick snow. It's mystical and magical-eerie almost. Floating to the ground with a sound that I have never read or ever heard accurately described.
I have always loved snow. I have always loved winter. I have always loved when ice danced on bare branches white. So why is that I somehow want to return to summer all of a sudden? I think it's because the year is coming to a close, and I left my heart in July.
It's funny how things happen sometimes. I will be the first to admit that I was not excited about coming back home for break. I haven't been in Fairfield for three months and was honestly alright with staying away for much longer, but, things change.
This morning, I was home again.
I got out of the car to walk into Church this morning, and before I even stepped into the building, someone I love so dearly, a girl from the Bible study I taught, stopped me and ran up to give me a hug. I walked inside with her and then saw my youth minister. He told me how much he missed me-I knew he was being real. Going to Sunday School, I felt so grown up, like there was a place for me, finally. I love Knoxville, but I HATE Church hopping.
Going into class, I was among my peers. The people I have loved so dearly for so many years. I was the third person in the room, and as people kept coming in, they kept coming over to me, telling me they were glad I was there. People came up to me that I barely knew, and wanted to know how I was doing. I had a family hunt me down and ask me to sing for their son's boy scout troop.. at the end of December. Haha.
I think that sometimes it takes coming from a bad place to have such a beautiful thing like I do. Maybe I'm wrong.. But sitting in the service and being surrounded by my church family who I've grown so much with over the years, my heart went back to a place that it hasn't been in a long time.. a place it's needed to be.
This God I serve is SO big. Who am I to think I didn't have a home on this Earth? I became so flooded with emotions and overjoyed by the love I was shown I couldn't stop smiling, and I just felt whole. I've been acting so silly lately; so selfish. It's almost that I've been gone for so long I had forgotten what I came from. I had forgotten what I knew. Even in darkness there is light and somewhere along the way I forgot that. Leave it to a place in Fairfield, Ohio, the one city I didn't want to be this week, to show me the light.
You know that feeling when it's about to snow? The feeling that comes on where even though your toes are cold, you're warm. Sounds hang in the air longer and smells stay to play for just a little bit more.
It's one of those days.
I stayed up late last night working on my Linguistics project. I finished it this morning and although it is not the best is could be, I am satisfied. Mostly because I am finished, but I did learn a lot. I feel so much like this huge burden has been lifted. After work today I will finish my Gospel Narratives Take Home Exam and then I will be done with everything. I get to catch up with Monica tonight-Oh, how I miss her in my life.
Recently, I've wanted to paint. But not paint with anything I have here. I have brushes, books, paper, paints sure.. But I want to paint a wall, a building. Something big. Something with a big brush where I can get my hands dirty and it doesn't matter. I miss that a lot about High School. being able to paint walls and huge canvases for projects. now, being in my dorm room, I've been confined to books and paper. I want a wall, a building, a person even! Something big. Something different. My emotions spill so far over paper and canvas these days that I need a building to capture them.
Stress. One could define my life in that word and it would explain a lot. I feel like SO much is going on around me, but I barely have time to breathe. I have so many projects, papers and assignments that I'm having trouble remembering due dates ans recalling what is for which class. Audra is moving in at the end of the semester which is great fine and dandy, but it will sure be different with someone else in the room all the time. Next semester I will be taking 17.5 credits. 5 classes, Tour Choir and Voice Lessons, not to mention 6 hours of work. And, speaking of classes, I will have five classes on Wednesday/Friday. Nope, not excited.
Although I am incredibly stressed, my friends are good to me. Something good: I am a Soprano 1 again! I met with Mr. Weaver for 45 mins yesterday and we did all kinds of vocal tests and scales to see if my range had improved. He learned how to get the tone out of me that he wants and basically, I just have to be really loud.
All in all, my days are stressful, but my days are good. This semester is coming to a close, but I am ready for new beginnings.
I will be up late tonight. Or is it, that I will be up early? Who knows..
I am studying for an exam that I have tomorrow and it is truly the hardest class I have ever taken. -Intro to Linguistics. It's like reading a dictionary when it comes to homework and our reading assignments. Oh well.
I have decided to unwind before doing to ridiculous studying that is set out before me by writing, something I feel I haven't done in a really long time.
Like I said in my last post, life is good. Really, it is. The fall leaves are changing and everything is beautiful. Even my friendships are beautiful. Ones that I didn't think would work out are turning out to be my favorite ones. Work is good too. I get paid to do things that I like doing, so I really can't complain.
I've been learning a lot about the Bible lately. And really, it isn't even coming from my classes. It's coming from my friends that are pushing me and growing with me in this journey that we try to call life. I've learned a lot about myself in the process of trying to learn things about the Bible and more about God, and I can truly say that I like where my life is going.
I am filling out an application to go to Myanmar/ Thailand this summer (a month in each country). I think I really am ready to go back to that side of the world.
Life.
Life is good.
Life is good.
I wish I could explain certain things, but I cannot. Even in the past week, I have experienced things I have not experienced either ever, or I am re-experiencing them now for the first time in a really long time.
First off, I have bronchitis. Although this is really the only bad thing on my list of things to share, I have not had this for years! It's really strange what college does to you. I also went to a haunted forest. (Which wasn't haunted AT ALL). I have hung out with some incredible people. I may have possibly found a Church? I have learned to be ok with myself. Not fully, but it's been nice coming into my own.
Also, I've been having some really awesome deep, beautiful discussions about the Bible and about Jesus. I have never been more challenged in my entire life. Even this morning in Church, I wanted to look up what the minister was saying in different translations to see what it really meant. I'm growing. It's good.
My friends are such a huge part of my life right now. I have never truly felt like I ever belonged to anything. But now, now I do. God has blessed me through the hard times in my life to give me this. He has given me such a beautiful life and a wonderful opportunity here. My friends are helping to shape me, although most of them have no idea. I'm learning so many things about myself just by cooking breakfast for my friends-strange I know.
I also love my job. I get paid to take pictures! How neat? I do wish that the leaves would just hurry up and change already so I could go outside and take cool pictures of them. But, I shall stay patient. I do want to take my camera with me everywhere, though. I'm not there yet. -Maybe one day.
Today was good. Tomorrow will be better.
Today I didn't take communion.
I thought I was going to as the man up front was talking about it, but as the trays were passed and I held the small square of 'bread' in my hands... I couldn't. I don't really know what is inside of me that is so against communion lately, but I felt so unworthy, and I felt so rushed. I felt that if I had had more time in that instance, if I had not been around a bunch of people... I would have been able to process the things that are on my heart.
I'm thinking about leaving school. Since I got back from Cambodia, everyone has been asking me how it was, and all I want to do is scream. I don't want to be here. I have this Holy Discontent while I'm just sitting in classes and doing all of this homework that is keeping me still. My heart ACHES to be somewhere else. I love Johnson, but it's so comfortable here. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I just need to break down and cry. I skipped my speech class Friday because I was having an emotional breakdown while being overwhelmed thinking about Cambodia and school... trying to figure out what to do next. If one more chapel speaker comes in and talks about missions.. I might lose it. Harvesters wants me and Matthew to come and share our experience about Cambodia.. but I don't think I can do it. Yes, I know people need to know about it and what is happening there, but I am not in the right frame of mind to do any speaking about this country. Maybe I take a semester away to process? But I don't know if I would really come back.. Again, if I left to do missions right now, I don't think I would ever come back to school. I know what I am doing here is necessary training... But my heart is aching so much and my mind is whirling in so many different directions that I can barely walk straight. My classes leave me more confused than ever and my logic and my emotions fight daily.
I just want to know what I'm doing and where I'm going.
Dear Breath,
Where have you gone? Often times you escape my lips without so much as a notice or an utterance of goodbye...
But I don't miss you.
In your place a small smile has begun to spread from one corner of my mouth to the next. As I extol you from my lungs, a feeling fills my heart. Something that can truly only be described with this crease in my lips. You leave my lungs more and more every day and it seems as the days pass, I am loosing more and more control of my diaphragm.
When I catch you, my senses are heightened. I smell new things, see new things.
I shall keep breathing. But please, leave me from time to time. I like this: Heart racing, smiles cracking, fingers trembling, and extolling my very precious breath only to take it in again moments after I should.
Oh, my dear breath. You are so precious.. Take care, take heart. And, be careful.
Love,
Breathless.
My heart is in a wrestling match currently and I don't know how it will turn out. Well, in two matches really. In the first, I have a sense my heart shall be rather disappointed. I am preparing.
But the next, I feel that my heart will prevail. My heart always has in those kinds of situations... I just don't know where to begin fighting. I already started the path to get to where my heart wants to be, and truly, it's written all over my face if you catch me at the right moment. It will be hard, it will be long, but I know I'm ready.
Nothing else really makes sense right now.
There are two things that my heart is yearning for right now:
a. To be noticed,
b. and to not be ordinary any longer.
Sometimes, most times truly, my desire for the first trumps the second. Inside of me I'm fighting a war between speaking what I feel and staying behind the curtain of safety. And in regards to the the latter, I keep itching in my seat in class because I'm in class. I know I am learning valuable things and things that will further me to help others... but I am sitting.
Wow.
Today, in chapel, the entire service was about communion. That makes this communion number three.. I have a friend who likes to joke around about the 'frying pans' in my life, but truly... I feel like I am still winded from this one. I sat in my chair today, as in days past and chose not to partake. I wasn't disobeying or being lazy. I simply knew that by rising to my feet and placing the bread and the grape juice in my mouth that I would be taking for granted something that I have been over looking and walking over for too many years.
The last few weeks I have been learning so many new things about myself. I have found myself to be stronger, I have found beliefs that have just now surfaced.. I have become so brave. I have discovered parts of myself that I didn't think existed... That Emma Petitt that Brian told me to be when I was shipped off to Johnson over a year ago- I'm coming face to face with her. Life is scary. Life is not what what I ever expected it to be. My life has certainly had it's share of downs, but my life has also had beautiful and incredible moments of awe and wonder.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." -Proverbs 17:22
I have been in casts for so long. And now that the molds are finally breaking free and coming off, although my bones are weak from lack of use, I'm getting stronger every day from every step I take. Granted, they are all hard steps. I have to trust the unknown. I have to trust people and things foreign to me. I have to trust this God that I know loves me above all else... but is the same God that I checked at the door when I went to live my life for a year without so much as uttering a sentence to Him.
"If all I had was one last breath
I'd spend it just to sing Your praise
Just to say Your name
If all I had was one last prayer
I'd pray it 'cause I know You're always listening" -You're There Casting Crowns
I used to live this way.. or at least have a mentality of wanting to. In these short few weeks at being back at Johnson, I have been SO challenged. It has been so good for my heart to be here.
(Insert really awesome closing sentence here).
Today we had student lead chapel for the first time this year. It was great and I have really missed the intimate setting. We had communion and I sat in my chair, again. But this time, something was different. The last few days something has been stirring inside of me. Something that I wish I could describe. It's like I'm coming alive again from this darkness and numbness that has overtaken my heart for so long. I think since I started attending conferences and retreats, I gained the mentality that a break, or restoration had to come with smoke, mirrors and fancy lights. But right now, I'm being challenged. Challenged by my friends- new and old. Challenged by my classes. I'm being forced to figure out what I believe and why. It's frustrating but wonderful! I haven't been challenged like this in my classes like this at JBC yet, and I'm getting hit with it all at the same time. Hello, frying pans from all different directions!
I have this strange peace about changing my major even though I never thought I would pick that for myself. Haha.. Because I didn't. I am taking a lot of tiny steps right now, but they are all in the right direction. When I didn't take communion this morning in Chapel, I talked with God. It was something along the lines of "I'm not ready yet". And while I said it in my head, I felt so incredibly foolish. I take so many things for granted, and for the last 5 years (the time I have been a Christian and attended Church), I have taken communion for granted. I haven't seen it as an act of worship but more as an obligation or as something that Christian just do. So as I sat in my chair as everyone around me got up to take the physical communion, I communed with my God in the most intimate way I ever have. It was so beautiful.
Walking around campus today, I have just felt this.. peace: something I haven't felt in so long. I doubt it will dissapate. I pray it does not.
Today was the first day of my Sophomore year. I quickly figured out that I will have no time to breathe during the week. I spent all day in classes, just to spend four plus hours at Tour Choir auditions. BUT! Today was a splendid day. I love my OTP class and my professor. I, as to be expected, loved being back in Tour Choir. Geeze, I have missed it. It felt so good to just be back in the swing of things after an unfamiliar day of new classes and new faces. Speaking of new faces... I am going to like the new Tour Choir Family. The few I was chit chatting with seemed to be a barrel of fun hopefully, it all stays that way once we travel.
I start work in Graphics tomorrow. I work two hours Tuesday and Thursday and then two hours on Mondays. It will be interesting seeing how things go.
Tomorrow classes start and my heart is coming around. I have officially registered and am excited about classes. I am not excited about auditions, but am so ready to be back in the family of Tour Choir. Surprisingly, I want homework-maybe it's just that I want something to do. So far, I have loved living by myself. It isn't as lonely as I thought it was going to be. People have visited a lot and the alone time and space is exactly what I need.
It's so good to be back. I found out today that I am the only one on my major. Haha. It's neat, but I'm not sure what to do. Mostly because I don't want to spend a semester away in Dallas. I guess I'll have to suck it up and be brave when tat time comes. I might be working in the Graphics Department. (I really hope I do.) I know I would be working in the back, but it is still the job I want. BUT I haven't gotten my assignment yet-which is really weird.
Geeze. I really hate auditions. I hope that I get an email about what I have to do to prepare. In Christ Alone? Bahh.. Who knows.. Auditions should be illegal.
I wish I could describe how I feel. I don't know if it is because of coming back to Johnson, and having the re-entry shock here... but I can't find the words. I want to be isolated and crawl into a ball. Maybe it's because to get out of this rock and a hard place, I have to get up.. and to get up I have to actually take action. Action is scary. All I want to do is lie down in the dirt and cry, making a mess of myself and the tears. I love Johnson, and love my friends.. but my heart is not in the right place.
I didn't take communion this morning. For the first time since I've become a Christian, I chose not to partake. For me, it was an outward sign that I wasn't going to keep going through the motions and that my life is screwed up. I don't think anyone around me even noticed that I didn't get up, not that I did it for the attention... But I wondered how many of the people that immediately stood to their feet to go to the communion tables we 'ready' to partake. Are we ever? One of the definitions for Communion is intimate fellowship or rapport. I have not had intimate fellowship or rapport with or for God for a long time, and today I had to deal with that. I've been going through the motions for so long that I just took communion because it was 'what I was supposed to do'. No, I'm not going to fix myself before I go to Jesus, blah blah blah.. But I needed to do this. Go ahead.. argue with me. But when Caleb was talking about the gift that we had and how we take it for granted so often, I knew that if I took communion in that service, I would be doing just that. Communion, much like the rest of my life, has become such a ritual. A chore, and not something to look forward to.
So, I am sitting here in my room. My heart is heavy and I can't find words for how I feel. Tomorrow is another day.. I shall see what comes of it.
So.. earlier this summer, I noted how light of a sleeper I am and tonight, this has proved all too true. I am finally in Tennessee and will move into Johnson in five hours. Unfortunately, one member of my family has a nasty snoring problem. Being that things are all packed away in the van out in the parking lot, my computer charger is, of course, in the van. I just got the first "warning" of my battery being low on my laptop, so, hopefully the post will be finished before then and my mother will stop snoring.
I made it.
Granted, I have not set foot on the Johnson Bible College campus yet, unloaded my things, figured out who on earth my computer is supposed to connect to the ridiculous new network.. But, I've made it. The last two months have been an emotional roller coaster with Cambodia thrown in and a few other things.. but.. I just feel so at peace. I feel rested although I haven't really slept since last night and am yawning while I am typing this. I just feel good.
With starting a new school year, usually there is anticipation, fear and anxiety. But right now.. I feel so peaceful. Granted, I think I would feel more peaceful if I could actually sleep in this hotel room.. but I didn't think I ever would because of the emotions listed above. I feel like I ended the last page of Prologue of my life as Freshman year ended. I don't know why this year isn't going to be a sequel, but it won't. This year is the beginning: the beginning of who I am really supposed to be.
When I set out to college the first time for my Freshman year, my youth minister hugged myself and one of my really close friends who also went away to college. He said to her, "I love you, be good, call if you need me." But to me, he said, "be the real Emma Petitt that you were meant to be." He probably put it more eloquently than I remember, but the words resonated with me so much that I did seek to find who I truly was in my first semester. It hurt my relationships with some and ended others. In May, I gained a friend back that I had missed dearly for three years. Even through all of the 'soul searching', I didn't find who Emma Petitt was until this summer. I want to be her. I need to be her. The Emma Petitt that I have caught glimpses of this summer is quiet, reserved, thinks things through, does not like attention, a leader when she needs to be, passionate with every fiber of her being, would honestly rather observe people than engage with them, she likes to sing, but loves to listen. She feels like photography capture things that the eyes can sometimes miss and helps people remember what has been etched away in the heart. She has re-found her talent to paint. She, obviously, seeks the need to write. Now, if you are like me, who clearly knows the old Emma.. it seems strange that someone can change like this in one summer.. or a year. But.. I think I've always been this way. This me has been something fighting to get out my entire life but has been hidden away behind rage and hatred that looked like me for a long time. Then I wanted ot everyone's friend because I knew what it felt like to not be. And now, I can look back a year ago and be astonished that I talked as much or the things I was saying. All I want to do now is listen. There is so much beauty found in listening, and I take great joy in knowing that many many people do it.. so it's kind of like my secret.
Yes... I will still be obnoxious. Yes, I will still dance horribly in public. Yes, I will still say those stupid things that no one expects me to say because I can't hear anything so my thoughts get mixed up. But I guess it is safe to say that a war has begun within me. And not a quiet one. It is one that will change me, for good. And if I succeed, and I hope that I do. I will be what Brian told me to be. I will be the person I am supposed to be.
Even if it's a year or so after he said so.
Sometimes I wonder why things seem so big, so consuming. Someone says something, a small something: minuscule, really. And somehow, the Earth stops rotating and pulses begin to beat faster and all eyes are on you. Do they know? Do they really know about how insecure I am?
Well, I'll just let you know now.
I'm insecure.
Oh, and don't drink NyQuil without warning your friends first. It might result in an above post.
There is a dark, damp room with empty walls and peeling old paint. In this room, there is a mirror. This mirror tells glamorous stories, spins beautiful webs, and creates the most alluring sounds. Each being has their own mirror, but this mirror belongs to a being named Image. Since the first glimpse of reflection, Image has been coming to this mirror time and time again. Sometimes Image would come every day, and sometimes, Image would hold off until it needed to come back on it’s hands and knees, grasping for more.
Crawling to the mirror with blood, sweat and many tears, Image pleaded, “Mirror, tell me who I am for I have gone away and have forgotten!”
“Oh, yes. I know this one quite well,” The mirror began. Proceeding, the mirror began spinning, creating and telling the best stories ever known until Image had fallen on it’s face from pain and embarrassment. Tears escaped from the tired eyes of the trodden down, fragile image. Turning to the escape, Image slowly clambered out of the room with the ounce of dignity it had left. This cycle continued year after year until Image’s visits were few and far between, but they lasted for days and days at a time. Yet, one day, Image stopped coming. But the mirror waited for Image, knowing that it would come back for more: it always did.
Dust collected on the rigid edges of the mirror and fell far into the grooves with no breath to breathe the dust away while Image was gone. And then, one day, Image came back-taller than the mirror had remembered and it had something with it.
“Oh, Image! You have been gone for so long… and my, how you’ve grown.” The mirror added in astonishment.
“Yes. I have been gone for quite some time.. and now, I am going to tell you a story.”
“Oh, please, be my guest.”
“When I left you last, I was broken and bruised. I could barely open my eyes. Once I escaped these walls, I collapsed. I don’t remember what happened right after that, but when I awoke, I was in a room with a man sitting next to me. At first, we didn’t speak at all. He was just there all the time. He gave me something to drink and offered me food, although I wasn’t hungry. When he began speaking, he had a soft, velvet voice that made me want to listen.” At this point, Image began pacing the room with her object in tow. “When I began speaking back, he asked me if I knew who I was. I told him that I didn’t and that I wasn’t sure that I ever had. It was then he told me, ‘Well, that just means we will get to figure it out together.’ He then told me about you. He doesn’t like you very much, you know. He told me that you were powerful, but that he was more powerful than you, and he knew how to defeat you.”
Image turned to face the mirror with tears streaming down it’s face as it picked up the gleaming Sword it had been holding. “You have had control my entire life, and control you will have no longer.” With that, Image drew back with all her might and drove the Sword into the belly of the mirror. Glass shattered and rained all around His Image. And in the silence, the still small voice was heard… ‘I will never leave you or forsake you’. His Image then took Christ’s hand as He lead His Image over the shattered remains of it’s life.
“What do we do now?” Asked His Image.
Smiling, he said, “This, we do just this.” And they walked out of the dilapidated old building and into the sunlight.
I thought I was in love once.
Not the middle school, ooohhh ahhhh-he looked at me, weak in the knees- love. But the kind that when taken away, tears your heart to shreds. I cried myself to sleep for years after he and I parted ways. After I screwed it up really. It seems silly now, but I said one wrong thing, and everything blew up. really, I was crying and angry for different reasons, but now I look at my life and wonder what it would have been like if he had been in it. I was told by someone once that I may never feel so strongly about another as I did about him in that instant. -I think my older, happily married friend was speaking from experience.
When we were together, we fought constantly. But, I almost craved it. Just to be around him. After what never began was officially severed, he lashed out even more than before. Personally attacking me, bringing me to tears often. I haven't spoken more than a paragraph to him a year's time. We are completely different people now. Well, I went away to college. And when I came back, I saw him laughing-saw him smiling.. something I hadn't seen in a long time. I see him changing into the man he is supposed to be. It's a beautiful sight to see really.
I'm pretty sure I was in love with the idea of being loved. I always have been, truthfully. Now it is almost as if I run from love. It is very easy for me to give love and often times, I give too much which ends with me hurt. It has always been hard for me to accept love. I would rather tell someone I love them than hear it. I would rather do something for someone than have something done for me.
Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to accept God's love. I know He loves me. I can sing all the songs, read all the books, do all the homework assignments and do all the devotionals... But, I don't know when I will know it in my heart. Or, rather, when I will remember. It is not hard for me to love God. This beautiful, majestic, wonderful Creator who took time out of His busy schedule to create me. But when I look in the mirror.. Do I believe it? I don't understand how a beautiful perfect God can love something like me.
I want to be so in love with God that it consumes my every thought. That it brings me to tears and I fall to my knees as if I have lost the love of my life. I just don't know where to begin.
I have been drinking a lot of tea lately, and have realized that it may be the root of my sleeping problems. I can no longer blame my problems on jet lag, for it has been almost a month since I have returned. I have decided to write to see what comes out of me. Also, I have been listening to a song called, Rend by Jimmy Needham on repeat recently since Wendy gave me the CD.
_______
The song reminds me of someone, even though it isn't her story, or, it shouldn't be since she is only a child. Kim Leung (Sounds like Gim-lee-in, which is why she was known as Gamille to all those who were in Cambodia with me.) Of all of the pictures I took during my time in Cambodia, this is the single photograph that brings me to tears every time. There is so much behind this little girl. The picture that you see is not her being tired or a sad moment that she had. Our first day there, and really, up until our return and our last day in Cambodia she was quite and reserved. She clung to one of my teammates, Amy, for dear life. Only on the the last day we were there, after we had been gone for a week and had come back did I ever hear her laughter. Hers is the laugh that I hear in my head. The smile that I see that drives me to spread the knowledge about people in situations like hers.
Kim Leung's family has been ravaged by AIDS. Her father had it and passed it to her mother and Kim Leung's sister died at the age of five, a year before 'Gamille' was born. Now, in Cambodia, there is no middle class so, the poor are really, really poor. Kim Leung's mother didn't have enough money to take her daughter to get an HIV/AIDS test to find out if she was positive or not. I thought that the testing would be a lot of money because her mom couldn't pay for it.. but it is only three American dollars. -A fortune to them, I am sure! I felt so convicted about this whole situation and the fact that Kim Leung didn't know if she even had a chance at a normal life, I gave her mother money for the HIV test and for food for however long it lasted them.
I know I brought this up in a recent post, but when her mother got on her knees in front of me and thanked me, at first I wanted her to go away because I didn't want people to know what I had done.. But then, when Theara's sister told me Gamille's mom couldn't pay for the test because she didn't have a job because of the HIV... What I had done in one moment.. one sum of 40 dollars was enough to make a woman fall to her knees. I was overwhelmed by guilt, happiness, wonder.. I wanted to slap myself in the face for not reach down to her and embracing her. But we had many other hugs that I cherish so much.
When we left Phnom Pehn and went to the rest of our trip, I wondered the whole time if I would know by the time I got back if she was positive or not.. And, in my heart I knew she didn't have AIDS. When we came back to Phnom Pehn, I was talking with Theara's sister, and she told me that she was negative and that they were going to take her back a month or so later to make sure it was an accurate test. When I saw Kim Leung that night, I saw her as a different girl. She was laughing, talking, smiling! She was playing with other children, talking with them, playing with not just Amy, but others from our team.. it was a beautiful sight to be seen. She had life and zest.. and I do not believe it was just because we had come back. I feel like her life had started while we were gone. Her new life.
So, when I see this picture, so many things flood my mind.. and there is still a possible chapter to her storythat hasn't been written.. her mother could end up selling her into prostitution for money-but I don't think her mother would do that. Not the mother that I met. But, I could be wrong. We can only pray it doesn't happen through the good an incredible work that Kid's Club is doing to educate and prevent sex trafficking from taking more families victim.
Our lives are hard.. but others are harder. I have three dollars in change in my wallet right now, I'm sure. There are probably three dollars in our couch cushions. This little girl, as small and as young as she may be, has taught me that life is priceless and we are all created for something. Maybe.. maybe I was sent on that trip to give her mom that money.. I don't know. She would've been tested eventually. But I don't think her life would've started so soon.
No, I do not take the credit for her smiling and laughing and playing with the other teammates that were with me.. I spent time with her the first day and that was really it. But I am an observant person, and I watched her change from when there was the absence of truth and then there was the presence of knowledge.
I know in this small sized picture, you can't see it.. But when it's blown up.. a reflection of me is inside her eyes. Maybe that's why I cry every time. I didn't plan on doing it and didn't even know about it until I was back in the states. It's magical really. It's like.. Even in her sadness.. someone is there for her. And, you can't see that it's me. The camera is focused on her hands anyway. And I know that she probably won't remember me. But she remembers someone. She remembers 'her mom' which is not her birth mother. It's Amy that I've told you about.
Both of us risked that week. She risked with her time with Gamille, and I risked with what I had in my pocket. Both resulted in changing her life.
Posted by
Cracks Let The Light Come In
8:17 PM
The following is something that I typed into my phone while I was on my last flight during my Cambodia trip. I found it today, and it thought it was a good piece of my heart.
"So.. I'm on the plane from LA to Cincy. Matthew and Katie are both sleeping, but apparently my body is against it. I don't have a 'moving map' in front of me so I have no idea where we are and how much longer we have. I'm just so done with flying right now. Even though I don't want to be back, I would rather be at home than in limboland at the LAX airport, or in a hotel saying goodbye to my teammates. The weeks were good, and over too fast. My heart is still there and I am still processing. I have no idea what I'm going to tell to tell my friends and family when I do finally arrive in Cincy. I want to say it was frustrating, but then that could turn people off. Yes, it was fun, but it wasn't all fun and games. Yes, God was certainly present but He and I had it out a bit.
I wish I could look outside right now. I closed the little window shade thing because it was hitting Matthew and Katie in the face. I don't know where we are... but, hopefully this will be over soon and I can crawl into my own bed.
I think I'll tell people it was heartbreaking and incredible? Whatever second adjective I use.. heartbreaking is definitley one that needs to be in there. To be amoungst so much poverty, but at the same time so much love.. So incredible. Yes, Cambodia is an extremly dark country, but my heart is there. I wanted God to break me before the trip so I could fully experience it.. but I'm glad He didn't. I learned so much from this trip.. I don't know what is going to come from my life. I am disgusted with everything that I have, but don't know what to do about it.I want to get the word out and tell all American's that we're all unaware and selfish.. but I can't do that. Yes, I have a lot of words for my trip, but really.. I have none.I am still speechless from the beauty in brokenness. I mean, offering us their olny drinking water to wash our feet? Selling their own daughter for 100 dollars? Buing sex for 2 dollars? I don't know what to do with myself.. I don't know where to go and I don't know how to deal. I'm almost traumatized or something. Even when I write to get my emotions out, I get even more confused. It's when I start processing that I want to take action, and in my actions is where I get lost. With everything I've learned and experienced, my heart has been broken and my calling has been made. I have never felt more strongly about something in my entire life. Maybe it means I go back next summer, but maybe I don't come baack for a long time. Maybe I still do Bible Translation, maybe I change my major. Maybe I'm just really confused. Haha. I want people to know and I want people to get spurred on. I just don't know how."
Well, here I sit. there are only a whopping 8 days until I venture back to Tennessee. My heart is a mix of emotions, I'll tell you that. I am glad to be back with my friends.. But I know it won't be the same, or what I'm expecting. Last year.. It was wonderful and marvelous. To be out on my own for the first time and to have real-life independence. But now, I know what all that feels like and I have expectations. For it to be better than last time. For my classes to be more interesting, for me to get better grades, to make more friends. To no end up in the hospital again :) That would be marvelous!
I've changed a lot this summer. I've figured a lot out about myself.
I'm an introvert.
Weird, right? Yes-I like people, but not enough to be around them all the time. I need my 'me' time, I guess you could say so I can function at the end of the day. I always feel the best when I've spent a few hours by myself just sitting, or listening to music before I had to go to class. it will be different this year because I have a TON of down time on tues/thurs and not so much on wed/frid.
Overall, I am extremely excited to be going back. I am actually voluntarily cleaning my room before it is the last moment. :) Hmm.. This week looks like: a lot of packing, cleaning, a doctor's appointment, a hair appointment to cut my hair for the third time in four weeks, and going to the grandparents house to get the van so we can take it down to Tennessee with all my junk. And then, one week from tomorrow, I will be on my way to the place I call home :)
A lot has been happening in my life the last month. A crazy whirlwind of emotions began and have not ceased. Long story short, I went to Cambodia, had shell shock/ re-entry shock and am still fighting with the two voices in my head, so to speak. I got my hair chopped off. And, strangely enough, I wanted more off when 6 beautiful inches of my hair fell to the ground. I only have..16? days until I go back to Johnson. Haha. I'm not ready. At least not as ready as I was last year. I still haven't unpacked from Cambodia! Last year, I was packed by the beginning of the summer and had to live my life out of boxes for three months.
I will say that I am incredibly glad to be going back to Johnson though. My heart yearns to be back there. And at Summit too. It's funny how God can work. A church that I never saw myself at is where I cannot wait to return to. There is immense joy in my heart. Joy to be back and to restart the life I love and not be in this waiting process that I have been stuck in all summer.
I can still smell Cambodia sometimes. I can still feel the heat on my skin. I can still hear the laughter and see the smiling faces. I can still feel the overwhelming love and see the strongest light from Christians I've ever seen in my life. The memories are etched into my soul. But the details are slowly fading. I wish SO much that they weren't. My heart aches to think that I could forget that place and that time in my life. When I think about seeing them, here in America, I burst into tears. I'm not sure if it's the prospect of seeing them again or knowing that they won't ever have this life. Although I hate so much what I have here..It is my life. I have been blessed beyond anything they can ever imagine. Maybe I've been blessed with this so I can give it to them. -Not sell everything I have and own so I can have the money to return or have the money to give it to the families and children I fell in love with so they have money to eat and not to sell their daughters into prostitution.
40 dollars could be the difference between life and death-selling her child or not. When I gave Kim Leung's mom that money for food and the HIV test, she got on her knees and thanked me with the folding of her hands and her bowing her head. She is so fragile. And so beautiful. Often times I feel guilty about wanting school to come so quickly.. schooling for half a year to them is 500 dollars. That is an incredible fortune to them. Last semester I had a book that cost 111.00. That's more than 1/5 of their schooling.
But I wasn't born there-I have to keep telling myself that. I can't mentally punish myself for something that I couldn't control-something so much as to what country I was born in. And they can't either. Poor to them is normal. I walk away amazed how they're happy with how small they have then I loathe everything I have.. But I think they wouldn't like this life. Maybe I'm wrong. And I could be.
I've started painting again. I think it's helping. Even if I can't get out the emotions right then that are overwhelming.. It helps me to focus on something else. It's been good. And I've been talking about Cambodia more. It doesn't seem so traumatizing now. I am speaking at the missions committee meeting this Wednesday, so I will see what happens. But I'm not scared anymore after I talked with Sarah for a long time about Cambodia. It's a place I've come to love. I want to return.
I'm not the same. Not at all. Someone told me once that short term missions don't change people.. But I don't agree. I look at the world differently. I think differently. I look at myself differently. I love differently. I will say that this is the only one out of six mission trips I've been on that have ever had this effect on me. I think it had something to do with not being with the youth group. I'm glad I wasn't with them.
When I first came back, I said I would go back right then. But now.. I want to go back to school. Plus, my heart can't take the difference in worlds right now. I need to breathe. I need to stop being tired or my heart and mind being pulled in two completely different directions.
My teammate, Kathleen, wrote this: "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is… if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."
It's risky business to love someone, but risk I shall.
It is now less than two weeks than I go to Cambodia.
And well, I'm scared out of my mind.
I feel really unorganized and not prepared emotionally. I am so excited to go, but am uneasy. This is the most crazy, radical, most unpredictable (even though most people who know my heart knew I was going to go to Cambodia even if it killed me) thing I've ever done. I've been watching my life slip by the last few months and have no idea why I've been letting it happen to me. It won't even hit me that I'm going to Cambodia until I'm there..
I wish I could say that I was excited.
I wish it were easier, but in my life I've learned that it isn't. No, I'm not the perfect friend-no one is- But I am the kind of person who puts a lot into friendships. I try. It frustrates me and hurts me when the friendships I hold closest don't give back. Like a one way street, I guess.
A friend is someone who is there in someone's time of need, right? And even if they can't be they don't just ignore them.. At least, they shouldn't. I don't think I'm overreacting, I think I'm just feeling. It stinks beings away from some friends for the entire school year and then expecting things to just be the way they were. They aren't the same and won't be again. I guess really I'm just talking about one friend. My heart hurts. I feel like I don't want to let that person in again because I don't want to keep getting hurt. Because it would be me letting them in. Space? Maybe that would be good. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess it can't matter.
I miss having someone to talk to and talk with. I haven't had that in a long time. There's a lot in and on my heart that I need to share, but when no one wants to listen it makes it really difficult. Especially when I feel like I'm talking to an emotionless wall.
I miss my JBC friends who actually cared about how I was doing and knew when I wasn't doing well. I hate the fake friendships here. I just want to back at JBC.-home
Just some pictures I've taken that remind me of summer :)
The end, for now.
Posted by
Cracks Let The Light Come In
11:39 PM
That's right. It's summer. In less than a week I will be on my first mission trip - to downtown Cincinnati as a leader for the junior high mission trip with my youth group for four days. In less than a month I will be in Cambodia for 16 days. Soon thereafter, it will be time for school once again.
Right now... I guess I'm just bored. I have really nothing to do so I stay hulled up in my room most days. I even rearranged my room to pass time - but it only took a couple of hours.
I've been looking forward a lot to the future, because quite frankly, the present is stagnant. I could always get out there and change that, but I don't. -wonder why. Next year I'll be living by myself. I've been trying to draw out what my room will look like, but for some reason when you put your artistic abilities in a can for a year, they seem to dissipate. I am quite sad about that. I've been sewing though. I like that very much.
Here are some things I've observed so far in my summer:
-Cheerios commercials have subliminal messages in them because every time I see one, I want Cheerios.
-I really will live out of suitcases all summer long because I don't feel like unpacking for what seems like weeks, only to just go back.
-I'm a really light sleeper. When people talk in the kitchen (on the other side of my house) I wake up.
-I like going to bed at 4 in the morning.
-Wireless internet is amazing.
-Everwood is just as awesome as it was years ago when it was wrongly canceled.
-I have callouses on my fingers from sewing.
-I think I snore.
-When everyone is sleeping, it is when I tend to make the most noise.
-I miss my friends from Johnson and feel weird around my friends here-like I'm just on another visit waiting to go back.
-My room has cool things to take pictures of.
-I'm all out of things to write about.
I'm insecure.
I always have been.
I always will be.
And it sucks.
Well, it is 12:47 am, my roommate is asleep and I feel like my life is speeding past me before I can even think about breathing. Although I am currently sitting in the quiet of the night with only Lauren's refrigerator making noises and my typing, I can still hear all the ridiculous thoughts in my head of the things I have to accomplish in the next three weeks.
I love Johnson, don't get me wrong, but I feel very much like I will be thrilled when this semester is over. Not because I want to leave (not that reason at all actually). But because I can come back with a fresh start and a new perspective on things the next fall.
I'm going to Cambodia this summer. In 76 days, actually. I will be there for 16 days and will be spending the majority of my time with rescued sex trafficking victims. even though I m thrilled for this summer, I cannot help but think forward to NEXT summer when i do my internship. It seems like i will be in West Africa all summer with Pioneer Bible Translators. AND THEN, the summer after that, I start my semester early and go down to Dallas, Texas for one semester to get all of my specialty Linguistics courses at the Graduate Institute of Applied Linguistics.
I hope I make friends. I don't want to be lonely there.
For those that are actually reading this all the way through, it may seem like I have a lot of friends and that I am a "social butterfly". Inside.. I'm awkward and insecure. I feel like my friends don't like me and that they are only being nice to be because they feel sorry for me. Granted, not all the time, and not with all of them.... But that looming semester will be trivial and very interesting for me.
I will be rooming by myself next semester. Next year, really. And probably all my college life unless by some crazy happenstance I get married and then the man of my dreams becomes my roommate. In some ways, I am excited. I will not have to feel bad for sleeping (sorry Lauren). And can make my messes where I want to and only really have to clean up on roomcheck night... But, I will get lonely. It will be weird living by myself when I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by people. Even when I travel with Tour Choir we room together. 2, 3 I've stayed with as many as 5 other girls at once before! You learn a lot about people when you live with them.
You learn a lot about yourself when you live with people. I've learned a lot from my current roommate. I love her dearly and will miss her when she leaves and doesn't come back to slice me in half with a light sabor JUST to say oops, or turn on the noise maker every night so we can sleep. But, ya know.. People come and go in your life. She will go, but won't be forgotten. Truth be told, I'm not too sure who else could deal with my crazy phone-throwing-rants that I get into when some people upset me. I don't know how she does it. I guess I'm just not willing to try it out on anyone else... Oh well. I'll keep myself company :)
Anyway, I really should be getting to bed seeing as it's after 1:00 and my eyelids are beginning to droop.
Goodnight. :)
In the next few days, I will find in my hands a new camera. A Sony Cybershot 9.1 Mega Pixel DSC H50B. :) My memory card was shipped yesterday and will be here tomorrow, and the camera itself was shipped this morning, which means, hopefully, it will be here by Thursday!
I will be off to Ohio and New York next week for Week of E with Tour Choir so, needless to say, many pictures will be acquired.
It has been that long since my friend, Bryan Morgan, died from his head injuries he acquired in a car accident. It was raining (like it is today), and was early morning. The accident happened the 21st of December and he passed away from his injuries a few days later: Christmas Morning. It was a drunk driving accident. He was actually wearing his seat belt. He was the only one in the car that didn't walk away. He was only a junior in high school.
I still remember the feeling I had when I was told. I didn't believe it. Oh, how I hope to see him again one day. He was fairly new in my high school, so not many people knew him. I was on Yearbook staff and did the memorial page for him. I didn't have the nerve to call his parents to ask for pictures because I would be a sobbing mess. My advisor acted like because he wasn't captain of the football team or someone of great importance, that he was meaningless. Needless to say that I was furious with her.
Bryan will never graduate form high school. He won't see the acceptance letter from his dream college. He won't have children. He won't grow old with his wife. He won't go to his senior prom. He won't watch his children be born. He won't have to write one more paper for school or take one more exam.
He won't be able to live the life he was meant to live: A happy, long life.
But he will be remembered. I will remember him.
So.. I should be doing homework, but I feel like writing instead.
This weekend I was in Indiana with Tour Choir. Even though it was stressful, hard and quite honestly painful at times because of the uncomfortableness of Turtle Bus, it was the best trip I've had with Tour Choir all year. When on these trips you kind of have to put your comforts aside, and deal with people that you may not want to deal with in every day life. It really was awesome. I have so many memories and beautiful moments with this group that I can only classify as moments with Family.
And for some reason, as I write this, I feel like time is passing by so quickly! I'm already making plans for next summer when I don't have my homework done for tomorrow. I know that maybe two people will read this post, and I am totally fine with that. But really, time is passing so quickly. I have been thinking tonight about High School and how things were SO different. I was so incredibly different. I look back on who I was then and don't even recognize that girl. Who I am now, although I still mess up, is who I want to be.
One day, I will look back on this and think of all the College friends I had. All of the times I had with them. I am almost finished with my freshman year in College. Some of my best friends are leaving and I may never see them again. I will meet new people next year and go through this nostalgic process every year. Even though the process will repeat, I will not. I will continue to grow and to be shaped.
I am fixing to be a missionary. A missionary. Sometimes it is hard to comprehend what I am actually setting out to do. When I tell people my plans most people go "ohh! Really?!" Then proceed to ask me ten million questions about it and where I want to be. But the funny thing is. I don't know why, but I've never really thought of being a missionary as a big deal. It's just what I'm supposed to do.
I'm not really sure where this is all coming from.
My mind is reeling though.
I wonder if I make an impact. Here anyway. Not that it was easy back in Ohio, but there was a youth group there that I was a major part of. I'm just a visitor there now. How am I supposed to be impactful when I don't really have a place to lay my head? Jesus didn't but I would say He had an impact or two. I want to help people. (And a lot of times, I feel like people at JBC don't want help. They stuff their problems because they're going to be ministers or missionaries or teachers or whatever they're going to be... They're not supposed to feel and have problems. I'm sorry... But that's so rediculous. If you are going to be in a ministry position, you should be able to talk about your junk if you're supposed to be helping other people with it.)
This weekend after we sang in the morning on Sunday, the minister got up and was talking about how he had this friend of his who made a huge impact on him spiritually. His friend ended up turning to things like drugs once he went into the air force (or something like that) and the minister ended up loosing contact with him. He then went on to talk about how we wished so much that he still had contact with him and that he could make an impact on his friend like his friend did in his life. I don't quite know why, but I cried. I continued crying. So much my entire face was wet and I felt rather silly. It happens I guess.
This past year I've done a lot of changing. I am happy with who I am. I miss the life I had, but like this one better. Time is flying. Times are changing. People will move on and grow up (hopefully). People will continue avoiding homework to pour out their minds and hearts onto a site that a maximum of three people will read. But it is alright. As long as God is reigning, it is alright.
This is my first post.
For now, I will just say hello.
Hello.
Certainly, there will be more later.
