A few hours ago, I woke up and had an attitude that screamed "ungrateful". I felt so unprepared for this day and for this week that awaits me in just a short hour. I have decided to skip my 11:25, and am glad I have decided such. Somewhere along the way today, between sitting ten rows back at the arrival of Choir Rehearsal because I was at a breaking point to laughing with my friends in Chinese class, my heart changed. I felt so much that I needed a break from these people and from this place. But truly, I needed a break from myself. I've been so caught up in myself lately. So caught up in my stuff, in my junk, in my worries and my problems. Who the heck am I? Other people don't want to hear me complain, so why am I doing it? After I walked out of Chinese today, I felt refreshed. Something happened in that class that I didn't expect. I was laughing again-for real. I got red in the face from embarrassment, but didn't care. I was being myself again.
Basically, Chinese made my life. It's funny how the smallest things can humble you. I was speaking another language, and poorly most of the time, and it completely improved my mood. I walked in with my head down and my heart heavy with the full belief that this week was going to be such a large burden. But walked out as if I'd conquered a battle. -And, I believe I did.
So, as I begin my venture to a state I have never been to, my attitude has changed, and my smile has returned. I am listening to a playlist that I made after Tour Choir's last going out, entitled "Hearts on the Ground" filled with worship songs. I am pretty sure it will be on repeat for most of my time in and to Florida.
It is a new day, and for that I am ever thankful.
Not all change is bad. Seasons happen. And the bad ones only help us appreciate how good the good ones actually are.
I'm almost too apathetic to type, but alas, I have found myself here again. My strength is wearing thin-emotionally and physically. My joy has faded and my laughter has grown quieter. No, I am not depressed, I am just in such a need of a break that I do not have time to have. With all of the commitments I have and all of the business of my life, I never stop going. If I do, it is to sleep-and that is never long enough. I am not writing this to complain. But, I truly need a break. The smile that is normally pursed on my lips has faded to "deadness" as Mr. Weaver called it yesterday in Choir. Oh, how I wish I wasn't going on that trip tomorrow. I need a break so terribly. And that is a break that I will not see.
My grandpa was in the hospital this past week and my grandma goes in on the 6th of April for yet another hip replacement. It's almost as if I am watching them slip away before my eyes, but I am miles and miles away. My heart is sad and almost no one knows. I've turned into the girl who doesn't talk about her emotions. When did that happen? My heart has been so heavy lately. My burdens, my friend's burdens, and truly, the burden that my heart is not in this country any longer. I have become so apathetic. I have become so angry. I have become so saddened. I hope and pray that God will break this stupid walled up heart of mine.
I won't say that my life has been easy. I won't say it's been filled with rainbows and fields of flowers. But, I will say that very recently, I have learned to appreciate what I have. This past year has been far too incredible for words. Just thinking about it, my heart begins to beat a little faster. Times have changed and they will continue to do so. I'm still holding on to things, and I'm learning how to forgive others.
I'm standing on stage again and listening instead of singing at the top of my lungs. I'm getting better grades than I've ever gotten. I'm taking things slower-at my pace- and it's working out for me. I'm saying yes to the things I want to do and no to things I don't want to do (most times). I feel like I'm growing up.
I've been worshiping more with my eyes closed and in silence than I have with my arms high and my lungs expelling breath for me to sing. There is an immense amount of beauty in silence.
My heart is full. Whoever seeks after it will find a lot of hope among heartache.
"Here in Your presence, we are undone. Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one. Here in Your presence, all things are new. Here in Your presence, everything bows before You."
All my other words aren't great enough to describe it.
I
HATE
POLITICS
IN
CHOIR
Bahhhhhhh.
give someone else a chance
Sometimes my heart is taken to a place of memory. Dragged through woods, through mud, through confusion. Back through weeks and months to a place it hasn't been to in a long a time. It is not uncommon for me to push these memories away. I choose to forget the weeks in my life when those events took place.-It makes it easier somehow. But at the same time, it causes my life to become so stagnant, so unreal. I feel like my heart isn't beating sometimes. If it is, the blood is slow. As morbid as it sounds, I don't think I'm quite living. I haven't dealt with it. I haven't seen my life with this event in it. I'm living outside of possibilities.
A big part of me doesn't want to remember. A bigger part of me needs to. I just don't understand how my heart can long to be in a place so much. A place where I learned love but a place where my delicate instrument got torn to shreds. I don't understand why I want to go back so much but I'm so against it at the same time. Maybe it's because having a calling is so scary. Because I'm scared. I'm downright terrified.
But I remember those smells. I remember their faces. I remember the sounds. I remember the way love felt there. I remember having a place there. And I remember feeling completely broken and torn apart coming back. I don't want to do it again.
But I've been called to.
So I will go.
