Cracks Let the Light Come In
I'm ready to go. I'm ready for next semester. I'm broken, so what? My heart aches and longs for something more. Something more than this mundane existence. I hurt when I'm here and when I ignore my passions I become angry and stagnant. I would much rather be aware and in pain than be still and worthless.
Is there such a thing as blue colored glasses? I think there must be. And I think I've been wearing them for the last few weeks. I haven't felt this way in SO long. I feel oppressed and so down. Everything bothers me and everything sadness me. My heart is so heavy and I feel burdens from everywhere. Not just mine, but I feel as though I am carrying everyone else's...even though they didn't ask me to. But I was just sitting here thinking that it's all a matter of perspective. I've been down in the dumps and have felt pelted from every direction for weeks. But why? The only reason I can think of is because Satan wants to get a hold of me because I'm about to do something HUGE with my life. This doubt and fear that has glazed over my joy and passions is all Satan's lies. I see my friends going through the same thing, and I want to yell, "WAKE UP! GOD HAS SOMETHING HUGE PLANED FOR YOU! DON'T YOU SEE IT?"... But... I don't see it. And I'm the one sending out support letters and giving the talk every time someone asks me about my internship. People keep telling me they see joy and they see my passion for what God has called me to. I want to know what they see and why I can't see it. I can recognize it in other people and can point it out to them and have the hardest time with why they are doubting because I KNOW they are going to do beautiful and marvelous things if they only took off the blue colored glasses.
I feel like my best friends are being taken away from me. No matter how hard I try, I can't be with them.. and when I do, it's by default like a class or something. I have mixed feelings about going on this internship next semester, and none are small and quiet. The ones regarding my friends? 1. Let them go now and say goodbye because I basically already have. 2. Or keep fighting, and keep getting hurt until I only get to see them being swept away by the annoying crazy all over again.
I should be doing homework, but something is overcoming me. Audra is calling it "hopelessness". We both have it, and it's contagious. I agree. So much is changing. Life, classes, people, ministries, churches, view points.. I'm not sure where to go or what to believe. I feel much like I did in my last post. I feel as though I'm stuck in a time loop, but this time it's a nostalgic, I'm going away forever, I feel. I'm afraid of letting my feelings catch up with me, so I keep going at an unrealistic pace. It seems funny that I, the one who always talks of slowing down being so beneficial, am running myself into the ground. It's as thought my heart is heavy but I am filled with joy for new things to come. I guess that's what happens when you become older. Life changes, and so do people.