Cracks Let the Light Come In
I'm back in Tennessee.
It feels nice.
Although life is going to speed off into space on a crazy busy rocket ship at 6 pm tonight, I don't care.
I'm back in Tennessee.
And I'm breathing.
Ok. So.. I miss Cambodia. I've tried a lot of different things to forget (which sounds really bad) but my heart is so fixated on that place, I feel like I'm not living my life. I know life isn't supposed to be filled with happy smiles and be pain free.. But when I think about Cambodia, it's really hard to get up from the ball that I end up crawling into. I have no idea if my other teammates are in the same boat as I am, but they seem to be doing well.
I just don't get why I'm being so affected by this period of time in my life that happened this summer. I have an opportunity to go to Myanmar and Thailand this summer, but have not finished the application because I am so terrified of there being an amplified version of this me next year.
I know I left a piece of my heart there, but sometimes it feels like that piece is the only piece that is beating.
"Am I really living or am I just existing?" happens to be the first line of the song I began listening to in preparation for writing tonight. Funny.
You know that feeling you get right around Christmas time? The kind of 'just present' feeling that makes Christmas music not so annoying and the love of Grandparents and toddlers singing out of tune beautiful. It's the kind of feeling that really does feel like good tidings and good cheer. Maybe it's also because it marks an end. Obviously Christmas comes at the end of the year and this joyous occasion only comes then (except for those strange people who think it happens in July?). The date never changes, and, usually, the feeling of Christmas stays within the date range.
I had this all to familiar Christmasy feeling in August. I had never felt it so out of season. In October, maybe. But it was near 100 and the humidity was wreaking havoc on all those who cared about their hair. I don't know why my heart wanted it to be Christmas then, but now, all I want to do is go back to summer..
Christmas is like one of those times when you catch a scent in the breeze. Something you've smelled before, but you can't place it. I used to have one of those smells. It only happened when I was outside and I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was. But every so often.. when the wind would blow.. My mind would remember something and my heart would go racing after the unseen. I would reach and reach to try to grasp the memory. But, I never succeeded.
Snow does that for me. Something that can be so tragic and so deadly I see as something invigorating and empowering. I still get upset when people walk in "my snow". That is probably the one thing I miss the most about Ohio. Snow Storms. In my bathroom, I have a little window. When it snows, I go inside and close the door, turn the lights out and open my window. I'm pretty sure I could listen to snow falling for the rest of my life. People like rain. Rainfall sounds messy and destructive. I pick snow. It's mystical and magical-eerie almost. Floating to the ground with a sound that I have never read or ever heard accurately described.
I have always loved snow. I have always loved winter. I have always loved when ice danced on bare branches white. So why is that I somehow want to return to summer all of a sudden? I think it's because the year is coming to a close, and I left my heart in July.
It's funny how things happen sometimes. I will be the first to admit that I was not excited about coming back home for break. I haven't been in Fairfield for three months and was honestly alright with staying away for much longer, but, things change.
This morning, I was home again.
I got out of the car to walk into Church this morning, and before I even stepped into the building, someone I love so dearly, a girl from the Bible study I taught, stopped me and ran up to give me a hug. I walked inside with her and then saw my youth minister. He told me how much he missed me-I knew he was being real. Going to Sunday School, I felt so grown up, like there was a place for me, finally. I love Knoxville, but I HATE Church hopping.
Going into class, I was among my peers. The people I have loved so dearly for so many years. I was the third person in the room, and as people kept coming in, they kept coming over to me, telling me they were glad I was there. People came up to me that I barely knew, and wanted to know how I was doing. I had a family hunt me down and ask me to sing for their son's boy scout troop.. at the end of December. Haha.
I think that sometimes it takes coming from a bad place to have such a beautiful thing like I do. Maybe I'm wrong.. But sitting in the service and being surrounded by my church family who I've grown so much with over the years, my heart went back to a place that it hasn't been in a long time.. a place it's needed to be.
This God I serve is SO big. Who am I to think I didn't have a home on this Earth? I became so flooded with emotions and overjoyed by the love I was shown I couldn't stop smiling, and I just felt whole. I've been acting so silly lately; so selfish. It's almost that I've been gone for so long I had forgotten what I came from. I had forgotten what I knew. Even in darkness there is light and somewhere along the way I forgot that. Leave it to a place in Fairfield, Ohio, the one city I didn't want to be this week, to show me the light.
You know that feeling when it's about to snow? The feeling that comes on where even though your toes are cold, you're warm. Sounds hang in the air longer and smells stay to play for just a little bit more.
It's one of those days.
I stayed up late last night working on my Linguistics project. I finished it this morning and although it is not the best is could be, I am satisfied. Mostly because I am finished, but I did learn a lot. I feel so much like this huge burden has been lifted. After work today I will finish my Gospel Narratives Take Home Exam and then I will be done with everything. I get to catch up with Monica tonight-Oh, how I miss her in my life.
Recently, I've wanted to paint. But not paint with anything I have here. I have brushes, books, paper, paints sure.. But I want to paint a wall, a building. Something big. Something with a big brush where I can get my hands dirty and it doesn't matter. I miss that a lot about High School. being able to paint walls and huge canvases for projects. now, being in my dorm room, I've been confined to books and paper. I want a wall, a building, a person even! Something big. Something different. My emotions spill so far over paper and canvas these days that I need a building to capture them.
Stress. One could define my life in that word and it would explain a lot. I feel like SO much is going on around me, but I barely have time to breathe. I have so many projects, papers and assignments that I'm having trouble remembering due dates ans recalling what is for which class. Audra is moving in at the end of the semester which is great fine and dandy, but it will sure be different with someone else in the room all the time. Next semester I will be taking 17.5 credits. 5 classes, Tour Choir and Voice Lessons, not to mention 6 hours of work. And, speaking of classes, I will have five classes on Wednesday/Friday. Nope, not excited.
Although I am incredibly stressed, my friends are good to me. Something good: I am a Soprano 1 again! I met with Mr. Weaver for 45 mins yesterday and we did all kinds of vocal tests and scales to see if my range had improved. He learned how to get the tone out of me that he wants and basically, I just have to be really loud.
All in all, my days are stressful, but my days are good. This semester is coming to a close, but I am ready for new beginnings.
I will be up late tonight. Or is it, that I will be up early? Who knows..
I am studying for an exam that I have tomorrow and it is truly the hardest class I have ever taken. -Intro to Linguistics. It's like reading a dictionary when it comes to homework and our reading assignments. Oh well.
I have decided to unwind before doing to ridiculous studying that is set out before me by writing, something I feel I haven't done in a really long time.
Like I said in my last post, life is good. Really, it is. The fall leaves are changing and everything is beautiful. Even my friendships are beautiful. Ones that I didn't think would work out are turning out to be my favorite ones. Work is good too. I get paid to do things that I like doing, so I really can't complain.
I've been learning a lot about the Bible lately. And really, it isn't even coming from my classes. It's coming from my friends that are pushing me and growing with me in this journey that we try to call life. I've learned a lot about myself in the process of trying to learn things about the Bible and more about God, and I can truly say that I like where my life is going.
I am filling out an application to go to Myanmar/ Thailand this summer (a month in each country). I think I really am ready to go back to that side of the world.
Life.
Life is good.