Normally on gloomy, rainy days, my mood tends to shift toward the weather. Today is a different story. For some reason as I got off of work today, my heart was so filled-overflowing practically. I got email notifications during work that my almost-teammates updated their blogs. I expected to be depressed, but instead I rejoiced with them! How strange to think that just days ago, my heart was falling to pieces, and now I am rejoicing with the very people that I will never meet. God moves mountains, that's for sure.
I'm feeling refreshed and new. I have been debating on whether or not I should participate in the musical, "Into the Woods" this semester. Being able to work this morning, and not having any classes.. it's given me a new outlook. I can certainly be a member of the musical AND fulfill all of my obligations as a full-time working college student. I believe an audition packet will be picked up.
In the Knoxville airport today, a flight was boarded, section by section and headed to Atlanta and landed. People boarded the plane and sat in their seats enjoying the ride that only lasted a few hours.
My seat remained empty.
Today I was supposed to go to Atlanta. Instead? Today I lived my life. I went to brunch with Audra, did some homework, went on a walk with Alex, went to dinner with Audra and went to Starbucks with fabulous friends. My heart is here. I'm not sure it was ever in Thailand. I have felt especially transparent this week. I have been going to classes and have been fearing people asking about "when the big day is". I cried today when I woke up and realized what I was supposed to be doing. I get teary-eyed now just thinking about it. The life I thought I was going to be living is no longer. Here I am, at Johnson Bible College in Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm a girl who was willing to stick it out in another country for five months, learning the culture and loving the people. I'm a girl who fell in love with a country and its people a year and a half ago. I'm a girl who has no idea what the heck God wants her to do. But I'm here. I'm learning. I'm loving. I'm living. Something I haven't done in a long time. It feels like because I let go of Asia, that somehow I started to live. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel whole again for the first time. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but my heart is filling more than it has in such a long time. I needed to not go. I needed to stay. The decision I made was the right one.
I will continue my semester at Johnson missing what I didn't have. More importantly, I will continue my semester growing.
I want classes to start so I have something to do. I feel out of place and isolated.
Being back at Johnson is really strange. I'm finding comfort in the ticking of my clock, because it reminds me I'm not all by myself. Everything I can do with my room set-up wise has been completed. I will get my books tomorrow for the classes I hope to get into and will spend the day with my friends that are already here, and will welcome the ones traveling tomorrow. I may play in the snow, and might paint a picture
This world sure is different than what I expected this time a month ago. I'm okay with the change though. I think it will be the most difficult through the end of January. -Until I am sure that I made the right decision. ..and maybe I never will. Only time will tell.
Ever since I decided to not go to Thailand in January, I've seen my almost-teammates' posts, and have felt a twinge of loss in my heart. Although strange to feel loss over something I've never actually had, it's very real. Almost like unrequited love in a sense. When thinking back on my decision, I know it's the only thing I could've done. Through the entire process of this trip, I never once consulted God on what I should do. It was something I was doing, and something that I almost feel was expected of me. People asked me all semester long how I was feeling: if I was scared, nervous or excited. To be truthful, I'm not sure I felt much throughout the entire process. I was so wrapped up in the present that I wouldn't let myself focus on the future. It was as if by preparing for Thailand, I would somehow leave the state of mind I was in. This semester was no easy one- spiritual warfare attacks from all sides; but I wouldn't change it. I learned so much about myself this semester. I transformed into a better woman of God. I changed physical things about myself to remind myself that I wasn't just a being eating, drinking and breathing daily. And lately, my mind has been racing in step with my heart to a passion I almost had forgotten. My heart rejoices to be going back to school, but it weeps to know what I could've had. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like I've let people down: my supporters, my friends, myself, God. I let go of something that I wanted and that I loved. Something I was so passionate about. And now? Now I don't know what I want, what I'm supposed to do with my life.
I think my time in Cambodia is done. It nearly destroyed me. I made so many incredible memories and my time no doubt changed my life. But I'm not so sure that I'm meant to go back. Since I returned to the states, all I wanted was to go back. The more I think about it, the more I think it's because I wanted my time there to never end-not because I was called to go back. I knew it would be difficult to return from Cambodia to the states. I just didn't think it would've destroyed me like it did. To think I'm not meant to go back to Asia makes me wonder what on Earth I'm supposed to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, and God surely showed me that I am not in control. Making the decision to go back to school broke my heart. When I think about sitting in my dorm room and not sitting on a plane to Thailand, I literally fall apart. But, I couldn't have done it any other way. In all of my Christian walk, I would say that hearing and responding to the "wait" I felt so clearly was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I feel an overwhelming need to express myself in some other way than tears. I have so much in me, and don't know how to let it out. The only praise I can muster is this broken hallelujah. My only offering is shattered praise. Still, a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins.
