My life has changed SO much in the last month. I decided I wasn't going to Thailand in January, and am instead going to Guatemala in the summer, got a tattoo, got my hair chopped off and made all the arrangements to go back to school in less than a month. Out of all of these, the most disappointing one is my hair. Without all of my hair, I feel... cold. haha. Oh well. It grows. When I go back to school, I will be living by myself (since Audra moved in with Melanie in my absence). I'm going to do Tour Choir, and am 75% sure I'm doing the musical. I don't have to leave my team and my middle school kids from City Life.
Times are a Changin'. But I'm ready.
The title says it all.
Because of a few different circumstances, I will be moving my trip to Thailand from January-May to June-August. Of the reasons, the biggest is me not being ready emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I wrestled with God on this one and my hip has surely broken. I need time, and I will be seeking just that this semester. I will be returning to Johnson this spring and will complete this next semester there.
The donations that have already been received will go toward my trip in the summer.
I have peace about this decision, and don't exactly know what's going to happen this semester (since I wasn't planning on having this semester of school), but I know it will be for the best.
Thank you all for your support, it really has meant more to me than words can express.
Much gratitude,
Emma.
I am absolutely terrified that if I go back to Johnson in the fall, there won't be a place for me. People will be growing and changing without me. People will have experienced heartache, joy, laughter, memories.. things I won't be there for. I'm scared of being replaced. I feel like it would be easy.. people would fill the Emma gap with other people. Things change, you adapt. It's human nature. I don't know if I could handle coming back to an environment that is used to me not being around.
I don't want to be forgotten.
My whole life, I've yearned for acceptance, and I have it at Johnson. I fear that if I leave, I won't have it when I return.
I guess this is where faith comes in. I have to trust that God will provide me with the same incredible friends I've had the last year and a half. And if not? Then I will keep going.
It feels like I haven't written in such a long time.
Update? Well, I'm officially going to Cambodia and Thailand. I was worried about funds and how I was going to get almost 800 dollars by next week. But, it never fails that God provides. I was practically handed money left and right. I now only have $74 dollars left before my half way mark has been reached and I can officially get a plane ticket.
I'm getting my temps tomorrow. I guess I won't be off the road for forever.
I'm doing homework this break which is way different than any other breaks.
I want to chop my hair off for my mission trip. Maybe.
Things are good, but I want to be back at Johnson.
I was going through some of my documents from last year, and found my poems from OTP. I decided to share them here.
Poem of Hope- Written December 9, 2009.
Twisting, twirling, swinging and whirling
There is nothing left for you to take.
Words devour more completely than sickness
Negativity crawls in through my flesh.
Locked eyes
Inward you gaze
Enough of this pain.
I cry with the setting sun, cast in eternal darkness.
Shadows loom, trees lurk
The sun turns its face away.
Treading thin lines,
Tightrope walking,
Drowning in the very air I breathe.
But, with one swift song, you sing again.
With words, shaky still, you speak.
Walls tumble, glass shatters, vulnerable we are;
Lights bleeding, refuge seeking, back into truth we fall.
I breathe with the rising sun, cascades of immeasurable beauty.
Forgiveness is found,
Light emerges
Twisting, twirling, swinging and whirling.
More later.
I'm pretty certain that the best blogs are written when the writers of them are supposed to be doing other things. What am I supposed to be doing? Pauline Lit quizzes, among other things for the week. I have 25 minutes before I leave for fellowship, small group, bible study.. whatever it's being called now. I've realized a couple things through out this week. 1. If you tell Satan to shove it, he really does stop whispering in your ear. 2. Girls are annoying. 3. I love adrenaline. 4. I miss silence. 5. I love soup. 6. People are really, really fake.
1. I've been having an incredibly difficult time the last few weeks, going into a month and a half. I have been surrounded by doubt and plagued by fear and anger. I hadn't felt this way in SO long. It took one of my friends treating me differently to realize that I was treating everyone else differently. We talked for a really long time and I told Satan to shove it. Things started going downhill after one of my friends asked me how I was doing. My response? I told him that I had joy. Real joy. Not a week later my friends started doubting, and then I started doubting. Then the anger came on and I lashed out (mostly in my head), but I wasn't me anymore. When I told Satan off, I felt calm, peaceful, and like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
2. Hahaha. Yes. Girls are annoying. I get testy when I'm around girls because there is always sooooo much drama. I don't care how "drama free" they claim to be. And PMS? It turns girls into demons. I would rather hang out with guys all the time. I'm pretty over it.
3. I shouldn't have seen Paranormal Activity 2, but I did. There are a lot of reasons why, but we'll leave it at that. But.. I loved the adrenaline it gave me! I felt alive and real and well.. alive. I don't really know how else to explain it other than that. I should probably become a hermit now.
4. This world is loud. I'm sick of people banging on the hall door or being obnoxious at 3 in the morning. I miss sitting in my room and listening to nothing. The loudest thing was the air conditioning coming on during the summer. I just miss it. I feel like life is always going here, and when I can't grab a piece of silence, it's more stressful.
5. Um.. yeah. I love soup.
6. I love people, but the more and more people I meet, the more I want to tell people to show me who they are. I've met more and more fake people in the last two years of Bible College than I think I have in my life. In high school people were fake, sure.. but they were real at some point or another. These people? Always masked. It's like Halloween all the time. It's stupid.
Well.. I would write more but I have to go now.
I'm ready to go. I'm ready for next semester. I'm broken, so what? My heart aches and longs for something more. Something more than this mundane existence. I hurt when I'm here and when I ignore my passions I become angry and stagnant. I would much rather be aware and in pain than be still and worthless.
Is there such a thing as blue colored glasses? I think there must be. And I think I've been wearing them for the last few weeks. I haven't felt this way in SO long. I feel oppressed and so down. Everything bothers me and everything sadness me. My heart is so heavy and I feel burdens from everywhere. Not just mine, but I feel as though I am carrying everyone else's...even though they didn't ask me to. But I was just sitting here thinking that it's all a matter of perspective. I've been down in the dumps and have felt pelted from every direction for weeks. But why? The only reason I can think of is because Satan wants to get a hold of me because I'm about to do something HUGE with my life. This doubt and fear that has glazed over my joy and passions is all Satan's lies. I see my friends going through the same thing, and I want to yell, "WAKE UP! GOD HAS SOMETHING HUGE PLANED FOR YOU! DON'T YOU SEE IT?"... But... I don't see it. And I'm the one sending out support letters and giving the talk every time someone asks me about my internship. People keep telling me they see joy and they see my passion for what God has called me to. I want to know what they see and why I can't see it. I can recognize it in other people and can point it out to them and have the hardest time with why they are doubting because I KNOW they are going to do beautiful and marvelous things if they only took off the blue colored glasses.
But who am I to talk? I am such a hypocrite! I talk all day about my passions and cry about them all night because I'm so confused and hurting. I want it all to end, but following Jesus isn't supposed to be easy. I signed up for hardships, persecution, doubt. But I also signed up for endless love, mercy and grace. In the midst of my tears in the middle of the night, I am being held. And I know that my friends are too. Oh, how I wish they could see it. I wish the doubting could end. For all of us. It's everywhere! Satan wants a stronghold. And for some of us, he is getting it. But I'm tired of his lies. And as much as it hurts and as hard it is, I'm going to resist him. He is NOT my God. He knows that, and that's why he's trying so hard right now to oppress me. It's been working for the last few weeks... but not any longer.
No more blue colored glasses.
I feel like my best friends are being taken away from me. No matter how hard I try, I can't be with them.. and when I do, it's by default like a class or something. I have mixed feelings about going on this internship next semester, and none are small and quiet. The ones regarding my friends? 1. Let them go now and say goodbye because I basically already have. 2. Or keep fighting, and keep getting hurt until I only get to see them being swept away by the annoying crazy all over again.
Anyway.. I'm traveling with Tour Choir this morning. For that, I am glad. I need time away where the Choir can bond and be a family. Hopefully I get to see Kendra! That would be super! :) Well.. It's almost time to go, so I guess I shall do just that.
I should be doing homework, but something is overcoming me. Audra is calling it "hopelessness". We both have it, and it's contagious. I agree. So much is changing. Life, classes, people, ministries, churches, view points.. I'm not sure where to go or what to believe. I feel much like I did in my last post. I feel as though I'm stuck in a time loop, but this time it's a nostalgic, I'm going away forever, I feel. I'm afraid of letting my feelings catch up with me, so I keep going at an unrealistic pace. It seems funny that I, the one who always talks of slowing down being so beneficial, am running myself into the ground. It's as thought my heart is heavy but I am filled with joy for new things to come. I guess that's what happens when you become older. Life changes, and so do people.
I'm missing out on some things, but am taking advantage of others. I'm not sure if I've picked the right things, but I think I have. I think when I get back form my internship, I'm going to be missing out on friendships that I feel.. that I've abandoned? after I left them to go on my internship. But the call, that God has put in my life, and the tug He has put on my heart I can't forget. It is what I've been called to. (Despite what others say and if they decided it is a "calling" or not).
I've been doubting so much. Everything I know, I feel I've been spoon fed. What am I to do about the knowledge I have and am supposed to believe when I don't trust the sources they came from? God's love is supposed to overwhelm me, envelope me and cause me to spill over with joy and love. Where is that? Where am I fitting in in all of this?
Today, while I was working and running things from place to place, I was walking back to the EAC. It had just rained and was quite humid. I got to the top of the stairs outside of the building and a gust of wind hit me. For a moment, just a small, tiny second in my day, I was transported thousands of miles away to a land that I love oh, so much. My heart and mind launched out of me and I stood there motionless remembering. I have no idea where that smell came from-the distinct smell of fish paste. But it was there. It was hot out today, too. So it even felt like Cambodia. For just a second, I was reminded what it will feel like next semester when I'm there.
I feel so restless. I want to be there, but I know I need to be here right now. I was told once that I God had anointed me for this- for this mission, for this calling. I half laughed it off half peed my pants. But I know it's true.
Today? Today I longed for the smell of fish, the feeling of heat coming through my shoes, the sound of laughing little girls, and the land of Cambodia.
I am a melancholy. And in recent days, the word reigns ever so true in my life. The life seems to be sucked out of me when I am around people. Or, at least people that are in groups of more than 4 people.
I just feel suffocated.
I didn't think that leaving would be so hard. It's almost 3 in the morning, and I've barely packed anything. I think there is a part of, somewhere inside, that thinks that if I don't pack then I get to stay here and spend more time with my friends. I have grown so much, and have loved so much this summer. I have needed a best friend for so long, and I have one. Someone I used to HATE! (and she would say the same about me) But now, I cry at the thought of leaving her.
It is as the title says it is. I am Knoxville bound. My life is going to change drastically over the next 48 hours and I haven't quite grasped it yet. I've only packed 85% of my clothes and my room is a complete mess. I am kind of terrified for what tomorrow has in store for me.
But..
I'm ready. I'm ready to live this life that was given to me. All of the change moments I've have this past year, since I got back from Cambodia, have equipped me to go back, and have equipped me for this semester that awaits me. I have nothing to fear.
I sat behind a wheel today for the first time in two years. No, this is not the "wheel" you are probably thinking of. Being that I don't drive, my wheel is, and always has been, a pottery wheel. In artsy terms, you could say that I was "wheel throwing" or "throwing" today for a good four hours. I made three pieces. The first was a bowl, and I am quite proud of it actually. I've never made a successful bowl, and I think I have. I then made a mug which looked really gross at first, but after some working, reworking, and more working, I'm a fan. And finally, I made a really strange piece that probably won't made it back to college with me, unless the weird groove in it fits a spoon, and then it can be a cereal bowl.
Anyway. When I would throw in high school (so long ago, I know), I used to think about how God would work us like I would the clay. Through the things I've been through this past year and thing things I've begun to wrestle with this summer it's easy to look at clay and see myself. I work the clay over and over again and sometimes it doesn't come out like I had envisioned it. There was a point in one of my pieces that there wasn't enough water on the clay so it was getting really dry and the grit was starting to hurt my hands. It was actually heating up from the friction.
We put God through a lot of crap just because we want to do it our way. Hours later I'm still finding dust on my clothes and am rewashing my hands because it still feels like there is clay on them. God cleans up our messes time and time again because cleaning up once isn't enough for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah I need to read my own post and figure my life out too. But I don't need to have everything figured out. I'm strides further than two weeks ago. And I like that.
Audra came to visit me tonight. We stargazed for five hours. It felt SO good just to be with someone from Johnson. I was reminded of how much I am loved by my friends at school and how well I am understood by them. Something inside of me shifted tonight while I spent my few hours with Audra.
I feel like I moved on.
I want to go back to Cambodia, absolutely. But being with her, it reminded me that my life isn't meant to be in the past. I have been living my life on pause since I came back from Cambodia and haven't been striving onward. I've been stagnant, pessimistic, annoying and annoyed. My joy has left, my smile has faded and in place a crater of depression has formed. But tonight.. tonight I felt so happy. Tonight I was living in the present.
When I left Cambodia, I left a piece of my heart there. But my heart didn't stop beating. I kept going. And I have found myself here, in this moment. Maybe I go back to Cambodia next summer, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm supposed to go somewhere else or I'm supposed think something else. ..Maybe I should stop thinking my plan and start living His.
All I know, is that sometime tonight, between Audra pulling in my driveway, the dew falling on the grass (and on us), the two of us laughing until we cried and staying up way past our bedtimes, a much needed shift occurred. A shift to the present.
If my life were set to music, some slow, sappy piano melodies would be playing right now. I wish I could explain it. On Wednesday, it had been 1 year since I'd been in Cambodia. Nothing else makes sense to me. I am ALWAYS missing Cambodia. Always.
All these crazy emotions come flooding into my heart and my head like waves at high tide and extinguish as fast as a forest fire begins. Wave after wave renders me immobile or causes me to jump to my feet. The next second, I am as stale as the crackers in the cabinet that have been there for years. Maybe I'm not alright. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Maybe after a year I should be over this?
I haven't written in so long, and I feel the overwhelming need to, just not the time. When my words seem worthy to capture, I am not in a place where they can be recorded so they rattle around in my head. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to paint or to write a poem... I haven't written poetry in months. I think I'm going to take some time right now to unleash some things.
I didn't expect coming home to Ohio to be so... good. Not that I expected it to be horrible, but I honestly expected it to be boring and to be filled with slow times and being bored out of my mind. And to be totally honest, I can barely believe it's the last week of June and that I will only be home for ten days in July! I have been so filled and have gained so much peace. Whether it be through my small group/Sunday school class, through leading Sr. High kids on a mission trip to North Carolina, through leading worship, through volunteering in the Church office... I've been blessed so much through this summer, and it's only 1/3 of the way over.
I have a certain friend (and 1. she won't read this so I'm going to use her name 2. it isn't bad so I'm going to use her name). My friend, Kendra and I have been through some pretty strange times together. Back in the beginning of high school, we were really close, and then we ended up hating each other. Last year while I was away at college we ended up reconnected after two or more years of barely speaking to each other. This summer, the girl is radically changing my life. The funny thing? She doesn't know it. I was terrified walking into this summer because my closest friend from home was going to be gone all summer. We're teaching a class together at camp and we talk all the time.. in my driveway about life. It's so good to have someone I can talk to and just be transparent with.
I miss transparency. Although I am loving this summer more than I ever thought I would, I miss Johnson and what I have there. Every semester changes with who comes into my life and who leaves it, but I am charged and ready to go back!
Everything is whirling around me right now. I feel like I'm debriefing from Cambodia-for possibly the first time and I'm trying so hard not to think about it. When I do think about it, everything comes flooding back and I feel this animosity toward my country and everyone around me because I can't express how I feel and it seems no one understands the little words I can get out. I am constantly fighting with myself, and truth be told, with God. This Holy Discontent is messing up my life. I have wondered this week what it would be like to live without it. I have wondered what it would be like to be content with what I have and to not want to change the world, or at least someone's world. As much as I have thought about it, I have tried to go back to that place in my life where I would have to reverse that life-change so this heart wrenching Holy Discontent didn't consume me at times.
I laughed when I realized it was when I accepted Christ.
God has completely and wholly messed up my life. I have been living this past year in a ball on the floor because I felt so immobile. There are times when my memories charge me again and I become paralyzed. But God gave me a passion, and I do not believe He put it there just for funsies. The Holy Spirit has been moving somethin ridiculous is me the last few weeks, and I believe it is because I needed to arrive at this conclusion. How am I? I'm messed up. I cry, I pitch fits inside of myself that no one sees, I hate America most of the time, I hate the food in front of me because I have food, I look at things on TV and my stomach turns because of materialism.. I'm not alright. I'm not content either. I don't think God ever wanted me to be.
I may not be alright, but I think I'm alright with Him messing up my life.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27
Looking back a year ago, I was preparing to step foot inside of a country's borders that would forever change my life. I have always been the kind of person that says and then does. When I said I was going to Cambodia, I knew I was going: everyone else around me knew it too.
I have always been determined and have always felt strong. When I returned from Cambodia, I felt weak and shattered. I saw things and experienced things I never imagined. I prepared for my Cambodia trip by reading facts because truly, I couldn't relate to the experience stories. When I was there, I felt so small. Abduction, sin, prostitution and trafficking was all around me, and most days I felt more like a tourist than a missionary. I fought with myself and with God everyday. I fought with my teammates inside of my head because I heard selfish comments about it being too hot or not liking the food. Upon our departure, I heard people wanting nothing more than to go home or to eat American food. I couldn't imagine leaving the people I'd come to love-who loved us so wholly. Our mission had just started, and we were leaving.
At one point in our trip, we were driving in downtown part of the capital. People around me were talking about wanting a massage. Places that give massages in Cambodia are more often than not, brothels. At that point, I saw a girl standing on the street in front of a brothel. In Cambodia, men pay under five dollars to "stay with a girl". Women sell their daughters for 100 dollars. I would've given every penny I had to jump out of the bus and save her. She was right there. So close. And I don't think anyone else saw her because they were too wrapped up in themselves to look out the window.
Less than a minute later, I saw another brothel with no less than ten girls.
I could write on, but I feel it would be too depressing.
Sometimes life is funny. I've been thinking for the last few months that it would be really hard to come back to Ohio for the summer and leave all my friends.
I feel like I'm starting over. I'm becoming a new person. I'm learning new things about myself. I think I did this last summer too, probably because of my ample free time. It's good to not be around people all the time. I really love silence. Sometimes I hate it, but I think that's because I have to deal with myself in silence. Right now, I have the time to deal and to process.
I like this.
I am braking and I am breathing. I haven't breathed since right before I set foot on Johnson's campus in the fall. Then everything went into hyper-drive and I almost suffocated.
Although my summer is off to a refreshing start, I am quite confused about something. It's alright, though. In a few short months in will be remedied I do hope.
I feel alive again. I want to go back to Johnson. But not right now. I need this. I need this break. Breathing is good, and I have been holding my breath for far too long thinking it would sting my lungs. Granted, change is hard, but loving and living is so much greater than just being.
I feel real.
So.. I'm not in SGA anymore. Not really by choosing, and I'm not really sure why. I think that myself, and another SGA member assumed, and wrongly apparently, that because we were current members our names would continue to be on the ballot. I was also told that I was nominated for another position. When I received a ballot, my name was not on it for either spot. I think it may be best though. I was incredibly disappointed, and part of me still is.. but thinking it through has given me time to think of this more as a blessing. I never really went to the events, I just planned them. Plus, it's going to give me more time to participate in things that I want to do. I don't believe it's all that bad.
I miss the play. So much. I want the experience back. I want the people back. I miss the stage and being able to transform into someone else. I love when all troubles melt away and the persona of another character envelopes you. It's magical, and I miss it.
I had a really tough conversation with a friend recently. I thought it was going to tear me apart, but, it's done quite the opposite, really. For some reason it has pushed me forward and has given me motivation when I thought I had lost all of it.
I am well.
I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I am finding my thoughts irrational and the actions I am willing to take stupid. I want to run. I want to run so far away until it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to run until the prospect of hurt is no more. I am trying to fill my life with things and with people that will help. Truly, only one friend is helping.
I feel so weak, but I need to be strong. I cannot collapse.
I cannot.
Only two short hours after my last post, my grandpa did in fact pass away.
My words have become so futile, and all I want is to be home.
A few hours ago, I woke up and had an attitude that screamed "ungrateful". I felt so unprepared for this day and for this week that awaits me in just a short hour. I have decided to skip my 11:25, and am glad I have decided such. Somewhere along the way today, between sitting ten rows back at the arrival of Choir Rehearsal because I was at a breaking point to laughing with my friends in Chinese class, my heart changed. I felt so much that I needed a break from these people and from this place. But truly, I needed a break from myself. I've been so caught up in myself lately. So caught up in my stuff, in my junk, in my worries and my problems. Who the heck am I? Other people don't want to hear me complain, so why am I doing it? After I walked out of Chinese today, I felt refreshed. Something happened in that class that I didn't expect. I was laughing again-for real. I got red in the face from embarrassment, but didn't care. I was being myself again.
Basically, Chinese made my life. It's funny how the smallest things can humble you. I was speaking another language, and poorly most of the time, and it completely improved my mood. I walked in with my head down and my heart heavy with the full belief that this week was going to be such a large burden. But walked out as if I'd conquered a battle. -And, I believe I did.
So, as I begin my venture to a state I have never been to, my attitude has changed, and my smile has returned. I am listening to a playlist that I made after Tour Choir's last going out, entitled "Hearts on the Ground" filled with worship songs. I am pretty sure it will be on repeat for most of my time in and to Florida.
It is a new day, and for that I am ever thankful.
Not all change is bad. Seasons happen. And the bad ones only help us appreciate how good the good ones actually are.
I'm almost too apathetic to type, but alas, I have found myself here again. My strength is wearing thin-emotionally and physically. My joy has faded and my laughter has grown quieter. No, I am not depressed, I am just in such a need of a break that I do not have time to have. With all of the commitments I have and all of the business of my life, I never stop going. If I do, it is to sleep-and that is never long enough. I am not writing this to complain. But, I truly need a break. The smile that is normally pursed on my lips has faded to "deadness" as Mr. Weaver called it yesterday in Choir. Oh, how I wish I wasn't going on that trip tomorrow. I need a break so terribly. And that is a break that I will not see.
My grandpa was in the hospital this past week and my grandma goes in on the 6th of April for yet another hip replacement. It's almost as if I am watching them slip away before my eyes, but I am miles and miles away. My heart is sad and almost no one knows. I've turned into the girl who doesn't talk about her emotions. When did that happen? My heart has been so heavy lately. My burdens, my friend's burdens, and truly, the burden that my heart is not in this country any longer. I have become so apathetic. I have become so angry. I have become so saddened. I hope and pray that God will break this stupid walled up heart of mine.
I won't say that my life has been easy. I won't say it's been filled with rainbows and fields of flowers. But, I will say that very recently, I have learned to appreciate what I have. This past year has been far too incredible for words. Just thinking about it, my heart begins to beat a little faster. Times have changed and they will continue to do so. I'm still holding on to things, and I'm learning how to forgive others.
I'm standing on stage again and listening instead of singing at the top of my lungs. I'm getting better grades than I've ever gotten. I'm taking things slower-at my pace- and it's working out for me. I'm saying yes to the things I want to do and no to things I don't want to do (most times). I feel like I'm growing up.
I've been worshiping more with my eyes closed and in silence than I have with my arms high and my lungs expelling breath for me to sing. There is an immense amount of beauty in silence.
My heart is full. Whoever seeks after it will find a lot of hope among heartache.
"Here in Your presence, we are undone. Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one. Here in Your presence, all things are new. Here in Your presence, everything bows before You."
All my other words aren't great enough to describe it.
I
HATE
POLITICS
IN
CHOIR
Bahhhhhhh.
give someone else a chance
Sometimes my heart is taken to a place of memory. Dragged through woods, through mud, through confusion. Back through weeks and months to a place it hasn't been to in a long a time. It is not uncommon for me to push these memories away. I choose to forget the weeks in my life when those events took place.-It makes it easier somehow. But at the same time, it causes my life to become so stagnant, so unreal. I feel like my heart isn't beating sometimes. If it is, the blood is slow. As morbid as it sounds, I don't think I'm quite living. I haven't dealt with it. I haven't seen my life with this event in it. I'm living outside of possibilities.
A big part of me doesn't want to remember. A bigger part of me needs to. I just don't understand how my heart can long to be in a place so much. A place where I learned love but a place where my delicate instrument got torn to shreds. I don't understand why I want to go back so much but I'm so against it at the same time. Maybe it's because having a calling is so scary. Because I'm scared. I'm downright terrified.
But I remember those smells. I remember their faces. I remember the sounds. I remember the way love felt there. I remember having a place there. And I remember feeling completely broken and torn apart coming back. I don't want to do it again.
But I've been called to.
So I will go.
I'm trying to keep it together. It's working well so far.. But later, I'm not too sure how I'll be. I'm an incredibly emotional person, and just said goodbye to someone who I love a whole lot. Not "goodbye forever". Yes, it is a "goodbye, see you next week"... but the terrain is scary where he must tread now. I woke up early this morning to go say goodbye to him and he is either shipping off right now or is about to with his dad. It's good to have fantastic friends.
I know I'm more blessed than I deserve. The friendship I have with him is a part of it. He calls me on my crap and doesn't let me get away with my junk. It annoying, but fabulous.
If you're reading this, pray for healing.
I wish I could put into words how today has gone. To find the right words to conger up the emotions I felt in the moments I felt them, is near impossible- but I think I'm going to try.
Today I worshiped. Today I cried. Today I loved. Today I sang. Today I hugged. Today I felt. Today I hurt. Today I wrote.
Today I recited scripture. Today I was with Tour Choir. Today I placed my hand in my friend's who is having brain surgery as an entire choir prayed over him. Today I cried. Today I said goodbye.
Today I felt. Today I worshiped.
I want to be married.
I'm not saying this because I'm at a bible college and I hope to receive an "MRS degree" or that valentine's day was yesterday. I have always wanted this.
My problem? Well, truly, there are two. One, I have never been on a date and therefore, don't quite know how to go about doing it.
Secondly, I'm scared. I've been hurt so much by so many people in my life that I don't know if I could give my heart to someone. I say that I would be able to. I say that I am ready for something so ridiculously scary...but I'm not sure I am. I think I just want it a lot. It comes down to wanted to be wanted. I've always been the best friend, or the little sister. I'm super good at that. I approach those relationships with not a lot of caution. I know what to do there, so I do it. I give advice, I hang out, I become one of the guys-I think.
I've always wanted to be loved.. But, I've recently come to the conclusion that I am loved. I have incredible friends. I've never been able to say that my friends would drop everything they were doing just to listen to me complain and watch me cry. BUT! I have that now. Who cares that I'm not in a relationship? I've been so stuck on caring for so long-for a while, it consumed me.
I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. Someone out there someday will fall in love with me for who I am. I want to be married. NO doubt about it. But, I figure, waiting has been good so far.. so what's the point in getting all in a huff about something I can't control anyway? I'm content with waiting for the first time.
My life is good, my friends are better. I like where I am.
I'm not quite sure what to write about.
There's a lot on my mind, even more on my heart.
I'm sleeping less and doing more. Coffee has become even more of my best friend as of late. I've learned to start over. I've been writing letters. I've been asking for forgiveness. I've been doing well in my classes.. Except for Chinese.. I think I kind of suck at it. I love the play. I'm addicted to Supernatural again. And spiced black chai tea. My highlighters are almost out of ink, thank you Dynamic Religious Movements. I love my friends. I'm stubborn. I hate memorizing lines. I got valentines in the mail today. I like my roommate. Sydney is coming in a few weeks. I hate politics in choir. I really like my job. I hate politics in choir. I'm worried for my friend. I hate politics in choir.
I wish I could put into words how I'm feeling.
At times, I feel so strong, courageous, and a go-getter of sorts. And other times, parts of my earth encompass me and I fall into my mattress as tears pour from my eyes for hours. These last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster. Some of the friends in my life have hurt my core so much that I could barely stand. Others have lifted me so high than my shoestrings were the only thing keeping me to this chunk of land. I have been hurt more in the last two months than I have been hurt in the last two years. But, I am soldiering on. For some reason, I'm allowing these people, person really, to continue to stay in my life. Part of me thinks it's a form of torture, and the other thinks that I'm growing because of it.
My heart has been filled so much that one little pinprick feels like an icepick has been taken to my delicate instrument of life. I've had a lot of pinpricks these last few months. But I'm living. My heart is beating. And I'm alright.
Oh, and on a different note.. I shall be playing Mrs. McCutcheon in "The Man Who Came to Dinner" in my first play since my Senior year! SO pumped :)
