I'm remembering my summer. I'm remembering the freedom that God granted me through the healing I found. This week I have been shaken by the realization that I am not living out my freedom. I am being swallowed by the things of this earth and until this week, I didn't know I was sinking.
I'm singing a song for our Christmas services "Be Born In Me" by Francesca Battistelli. It goes through Mary's feelings of being completely inadequate, but knowing that she was chosen for this. the bridge goes as follows:
"I am not brave.
I'll never be.
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I'm just a girl.
Nothing more, but I am willing.
I am Yours."
Who am I to think that my God, born of a virgin, cannot restore my freedom and help me regain my freedom? I have been so foolish. I have come to this conclusion so many times in my life. "I can't live life this way anymore". And it works for awhile, then I lose sight of my Creator and slump back into what I was
I have been chosen. I am royalty. I have destiny. I have been set free. I'm going to shape history.
I can't do that while staying stuck in my crap. Things need to change.
I do hope they do. Otherwise? Well, otherwise I'll die a sinner stuck in a cycle of sin that I could have gotten out of. I don't want to die feeling as though I have failed. I can't die that way. I could die tomorrow. My last moment could be as I'm typing this. And I'm choosing to continually live my life stuck in sin?
I know I'm a fallen being that lives in a sinful world.. but I can choose not to sin. I might need help (and probably will need help), but I need to go on this journey.
Sometimes, I wonder what is next in my life.
I sit and think about what's been unfolding in front of me lately, and part of me isn't surprised, but the other part of me is astonished. One of my best friends at school is leaving. She won't be there anymore and I will left without her to try to do this whole thing on my own. On the other hand, an amazing person has walked into my life and has proven to me that people do honestly care, and will do anything to prove that. In another land, I have this prospect of a date.. It's confusing, I know. But I may be going on my first date ever.. but I just don't know what's going on with that.
In other news, I got my license today! Yipppeeee! :D
I'm thinking about whether or not to audition for next semester's production, "Hello, Dolly!". We'll see how it goes.
The last time I posted anything, I was in another country. I was involved in ministry everyday and was being forced to assimilate to a group of people that I didn't really want to meld with. Looking back on my internship, I know that I learned so much. I know I was being stretched and challenged everyday.. I'm just not too sure that I loved it. Actually, I know I didn't. In some ways, it was like living in Hell everyday. I didn't want to open up, I didn't want to be transparent, I didn't want to be in ministry.
Now? Now I'm a much happier individual. This summer changed me, for sure. But I think it changed me in ways that no one is really going to notice. There were things in my life that I thought I could never change. This summer proved me wrong. I have been more involved in things since being back at school. I quickly became the creative idea pumper-outer for our on campus missions emphasis group. I'm SO excited to see what God has in store for us as a community.
I really would like to make more.. but I have a Spanish exam I should probably pretend to study for. :)
This past week we did our first prostitute ministry. I was really excited to finally be going in to the red light district to minister to those that are so close to my heart. We made cards with encouraging verses in Spanish to give to the women we met and we also got flowers to give them so they knew they were beautiful and that someone loved them. The first place we walked into was a night club. The music was blaring and it was dimly lit with black lights everywhere. There was a dancer on stage and two waiting to go on. The Pastor we were with (who has become very close to all of our hearts), mentioned that I go talk to the dancers waiting to go on. I, along with another teammate, walked past all the men staring at us like we were crazy since we were white females in a night club. When we reached the two girls, who were at max 18, we both became frigid. Neither of us knew what to do. I barely speak any Spanish and my teammate knew some, but we both found ourselves without words. We ended up praying for them and left after some painfully long moments of awkwardness.
We left the night club and I was left with feelings of disappointment, anger and sadness. I think part of me expected to go in to that night club and win the girls to Jesus (as ridiculous as that may sound). I was plagued with emotions that didn’t make any sense to me. I was so frustrated that God would bring me to a place where I don’t speak the language and place me in an incredibly dark situation and at the same time attempt to call out greatness in me. My attitude only got worse as the time went on. When we arrived back at our van, we were telling one of our ministry contacts about the places we went. Excitedly she told us that we were the first group ever to be allowed in the night club. She told us that they had been praying for a long time about that place, and we just walked right in.
After a day, I was still overcome with my emotions, but I was able to come to peace with the fact that we were there for a reason. By the grace of God we were accepted into that night club without question, hesitation or without having to pay.
So many times on this trip I have been confronted with a situation that I was not comfortable with. But I know that God is providing and is paving ways even when I don’t see it.
I wish I could describe in a one page blog entry how my life has been going since I last posted-which I do believe was before the musical ever officially began. It's months later, and here I am. I'm the same person, but different, somehow. I can't give you a chart of how and where the things in my life have changed, but I know I have. Somewhere since February 1st, I grew up. Not completely, of course-but there was still some growing upage.
In the last three months, I have given up most of my free time to a musical that came and went before I could realize it was ending so soon. I have fallen significantly behind on my school work, and have no idea what the outcome will be. I survived the anniversary of the week of my Grandpa's passing without killing anyone. I have put things away that have been hindering me. I'm eating more fruit, and that's sure a tasty change.
As far as other changes, I've made a new friend. I'm trying to guard my heart so I don't feel completely broken later, but this whole thing kind of makes sense. Who knows what will come of it. I'm going to Guatemala in less than two months! Sheeesh. It seems so soon!
:) I have been cast in this spring's production of "Into the Woods". I wanted so badly to be Red, and thought because I have a higher range, I would not have the opportunity to be her. But here I am! I found out at work, and had to contain my excitement for two whole stupid hours! Then I got back to my room, locked my door and jumped up and down while squealing and crying with excitement. Who knew? Me?! I am ELATED!
I have NO idea what's going to happen to me when I get my first date. I'll be a stupid mess. Haha.
As crazy as it sounds, I know that I didn't go to Thailand for a reason. No, not because I wanted a role in the musical, but because I'm more excited about this play and this semester than I am upset that I'm not in Thailand.
I can't wait until the run-through on Thursday!
Normally on gloomy, rainy days, my mood tends to shift toward the weather. Today is a different story. For some reason as I got off of work today, my heart was so filled-overflowing practically. I got email notifications during work that my almost-teammates updated their blogs. I expected to be depressed, but instead I rejoiced with them! How strange to think that just days ago, my heart was falling to pieces, and now I am rejoicing with the very people that I will never meet. God moves mountains, that's for sure.
I'm feeling refreshed and new. I have been debating on whether or not I should participate in the musical, "Into the Woods" this semester. Being able to work this morning, and not having any classes.. it's given me a new outlook. I can certainly be a member of the musical AND fulfill all of my obligations as a full-time working college student. I believe an audition packet will be picked up.
In the Knoxville airport today, a flight was boarded, section by section and headed to Atlanta and landed. People boarded the plane and sat in their seats enjoying the ride that only lasted a few hours.
My seat remained empty.
Today I was supposed to go to Atlanta. Instead? Today I lived my life. I went to brunch with Audra, did some homework, went on a walk with Alex, went to dinner with Audra and went to Starbucks with fabulous friends. My heart is here. I'm not sure it was ever in Thailand. I have felt especially transparent this week. I have been going to classes and have been fearing people asking about "when the big day is". I cried today when I woke up and realized what I was supposed to be doing. I get teary-eyed now just thinking about it. The life I thought I was going to be living is no longer. Here I am, at Johnson Bible College in Knoxville, Tennessee. I'm a girl who was willing to stick it out in another country for five months, learning the culture and loving the people. I'm a girl who fell in love with a country and its people a year and a half ago. I'm a girl who has no idea what the heck God wants her to do. But I'm here. I'm learning. I'm loving. I'm living. Something I haven't done in a long time. It feels like because I let go of Asia, that somehow I started to live. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel whole again for the first time. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but my heart is filling more than it has in such a long time. I needed to not go. I needed to stay. The decision I made was the right one.
I will continue my semester at Johnson missing what I didn't have. More importantly, I will continue my semester growing.
I want classes to start so I have something to do. I feel out of place and isolated.
Being back at Johnson is really strange. I'm finding comfort in the ticking of my clock, because it reminds me I'm not all by myself. Everything I can do with my room set-up wise has been completed. I will get my books tomorrow for the classes I hope to get into and will spend the day with my friends that are already here, and will welcome the ones traveling tomorrow. I may play in the snow, and might paint a picture
This world sure is different than what I expected this time a month ago. I'm okay with the change though. I think it will be the most difficult through the end of January. -Until I am sure that I made the right decision. ..and maybe I never will. Only time will tell.
Ever since I decided to not go to Thailand in January, I've seen my almost-teammates' posts, and have felt a twinge of loss in my heart. Although strange to feel loss over something I've never actually had, it's very real. Almost like unrequited love in a sense. When thinking back on my decision, I know it's the only thing I could've done. Through the entire process of this trip, I never once consulted God on what I should do. It was something I was doing, and something that I almost feel was expected of me. People asked me all semester long how I was feeling: if I was scared, nervous or excited. To be truthful, I'm not sure I felt much throughout the entire process. I was so wrapped up in the present that I wouldn't let myself focus on the future. It was as if by preparing for Thailand, I would somehow leave the state of mind I was in. This semester was no easy one- spiritual warfare attacks from all sides; but I wouldn't change it. I learned so much about myself this semester. I transformed into a better woman of God. I changed physical things about myself to remind myself that I wasn't just a being eating, drinking and breathing daily. And lately, my mind has been racing in step with my heart to a passion I almost had forgotten. My heart rejoices to be going back to school, but it weeps to know what I could've had. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like I've let people down: my supporters, my friends, myself, God. I let go of something that I wanted and that I loved. Something I was so passionate about. And now? Now I don't know what I want, what I'm supposed to do with my life.
I think my time in Cambodia is done. It nearly destroyed me. I made so many incredible memories and my time no doubt changed my life. But I'm not so sure that I'm meant to go back. Since I returned to the states, all I wanted was to go back. The more I think about it, the more I think it's because I wanted my time there to never end-not because I was called to go back. I knew it would be difficult to return from Cambodia to the states. I just didn't think it would've destroyed me like it did. To think I'm not meant to go back to Asia makes me wonder what on Earth I'm supposed to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, and God surely showed me that I am not in control. Making the decision to go back to school broke my heart. When I think about sitting in my dorm room and not sitting on a plane to Thailand, I literally fall apart. But, I couldn't have done it any other way. In all of my Christian walk, I would say that hearing and responding to the "wait" I felt so clearly was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I feel an overwhelming need to express myself in some other way than tears. I have so much in me, and don't know how to let it out. The only praise I can muster is this broken hallelujah. My only offering is shattered praise. Still, a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins.
