I Am Not Brave
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Wednesday, December 21, 2011 11:01 PM
I'm remembering my summer. I'm remembering the freedom that God granted me through the healing I found. This week I have been shaken by the realization that I am not living out my freedom. I am being swallowed by the things of this earth and until this week, I didn't know I was sinking.
I'm singing a song for our Christmas services "Be Born In Me" by Francesca Battistelli. It goes through Mary's feelings of being completely inadequate, but knowing that she was chosen for this. the bridge goes as follows:
"I am not brave.
I'll never be.
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I'm just a girl.
Nothing more, but I am willing.
I am Yours."
Who am I to think that my God, born of a virgin, cannot restore my freedom and help me regain my freedom? I have been so foolish. I have come to this conclusion so many times in my life. "I can't live life this way anymore". And it works for awhile, then I lose sight of my Creator and slump back into what I was
I can't do that while staying stuck in my crap. Things need to change.
I do hope they do. Otherwise? Well, otherwise I'll die a sinner stuck in a cycle of sin that I could have gotten out of. I don't want to die feeling as though I have failed. I can't die that way. I could die tomorrow. My last moment could be as I'm typing this. And I'm choosing to continually live my life stuck in sin?
I know I'm a fallen being that lives in a sinful world.. but I can choose not to sin. I might need help (and probably will need help), but I need to go on this journey.
