Sometimes my heart is taken to a place of memory. Dragged through woods, through mud, through confusion. Back through weeks and months to a place it hasn't been to in a long a time. It is not uncommon for me to push these memories away. I choose to forget the weeks in my life when those events took place.-It makes it easier somehow. But at the same time, it causes my life to become so stagnant, so unreal. I feel like my heart isn't beating sometimes. If it is, the blood is slow. As morbid as it sounds, I don't think I'm quite living. I haven't dealt with it. I haven't seen my life with this event in it. I'm living outside of possibilities.
A big part of me doesn't want to remember. A bigger part of me needs to. I just don't understand how my heart can long to be in a place so much. A place where I learned love but a place where my delicate instrument got torn to shreds. I don't understand why I want to go back so much but I'm so against it at the same time. Maybe it's because having a calling is so scary. Because I'm scared. I'm downright terrified.
But I remember those smells. I remember their faces. I remember the sounds. I remember the way love felt there. I remember having a place there. And I remember feeling completely broken and torn apart coming back. I don't want to do it again.
But I've been called to.
So I will go.
I'm trying to keep it together. It's working well so far.. But later, I'm not too sure how I'll be. I'm an incredibly emotional person, and just said goodbye to someone who I love a whole lot. Not "goodbye forever". Yes, it is a "goodbye, see you next week"... but the terrain is scary where he must tread now. I woke up early this morning to go say goodbye to him and he is either shipping off right now or is about to with his dad. It's good to have fantastic friends.
I know I'm more blessed than I deserve. The friendship I have with him is a part of it. He calls me on my crap and doesn't let me get away with my junk. It annoying, but fabulous.
If you're reading this, pray for healing.
I wish I could put into words how today has gone. To find the right words to conger up the emotions I felt in the moments I felt them, is near impossible- but I think I'm going to try.
Today I worshiped. Today I cried. Today I loved. Today I sang. Today I hugged. Today I felt. Today I hurt. Today I wrote.
Today I recited scripture. Today I was with Tour Choir. Today I placed my hand in my friend's who is having brain surgery as an entire choir prayed over him. Today I cried. Today I said goodbye.
Today I felt. Today I worshiped.
I want to be married.
I'm not saying this because I'm at a bible college and I hope to receive an "MRS degree" or that valentine's day was yesterday. I have always wanted this.
My problem? Well, truly, there are two. One, I have never been on a date and therefore, don't quite know how to go about doing it.
Secondly, I'm scared. I've been hurt so much by so many people in my life that I don't know if I could give my heart to someone. I say that I would be able to. I say that I am ready for something so ridiculously scary...but I'm not sure I am. I think I just want it a lot. It comes down to wanted to be wanted. I've always been the best friend, or the little sister. I'm super good at that. I approach those relationships with not a lot of caution. I know what to do there, so I do it. I give advice, I hang out, I become one of the guys-I think.
I've always wanted to be loved.. But, I've recently come to the conclusion that I am loved. I have incredible friends. I've never been able to say that my friends would drop everything they were doing just to listen to me complain and watch me cry. BUT! I have that now. Who cares that I'm not in a relationship? I've been so stuck on caring for so long-for a while, it consumed me.
I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. Someone out there someday will fall in love with me for who I am. I want to be married. NO doubt about it. But, I figure, waiting has been good so far.. so what's the point in getting all in a huff about something I can't control anyway? I'm content with waiting for the first time.
My life is good, my friends are better. I like where I am.
I'm not quite sure what to write about.
There's a lot on my mind, even more on my heart.
I'm sleeping less and doing more. Coffee has become even more of my best friend as of late. I've learned to start over. I've been writing letters. I've been asking for forgiveness. I've been doing well in my classes.. Except for Chinese.. I think I kind of suck at it. I love the play. I'm addicted to Supernatural again. And spiced black chai tea. My highlighters are almost out of ink, thank you Dynamic Religious Movements. I love my friends. I'm stubborn. I hate memorizing lines. I got valentines in the mail today. I like my roommate. Sydney is coming in a few weeks. I hate politics in choir. I really like my job. I hate politics in choir. I'm worried for my friend. I hate politics in choir.
I wish I could put into words how I'm feeling.
At times, I feel so strong, courageous, and a go-getter of sorts. And other times, parts of my earth encompass me and I fall into my mattress as tears pour from my eyes for hours. These last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster. Some of the friends in my life have hurt my core so much that I could barely stand. Others have lifted me so high than my shoestrings were the only thing keeping me to this chunk of land. I have been hurt more in the last two months than I have been hurt in the last two years. But, I am soldiering on. For some reason, I'm allowing these people, person really, to continue to stay in my life. Part of me thinks it's a form of torture, and the other thinks that I'm growing because of it.
My heart has been filled so much that one little pinprick feels like an icepick has been taken to my delicate instrument of life. I've had a lot of pinpricks these last few months. But I'm living. My heart is beating. And I'm alright.
Oh, and on a different note.. I shall be playing Mrs. McCutcheon in "The Man Who Came to Dinner" in my first play since my Senior year! SO pumped :)
