If my life were set to music, some slow, sappy piano melodies would be playing right now. I wish I could explain it. On Wednesday, it had been 1 year since I'd been in Cambodia. Nothing else makes sense to me. I am ALWAYS missing Cambodia. Always.
All these crazy emotions come flooding into my heart and my head like waves at high tide and extinguish as fast as a forest fire begins. Wave after wave renders me immobile or causes me to jump to my feet. The next second, I am as stale as the crackers in the cabinet that have been there for years. Maybe I'm not alright. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Maybe after a year I should be over this?
I haven't written in so long, and I feel the overwhelming need to, just not the time. When my words seem worthy to capture, I am not in a place where they can be recorded so they rattle around in my head. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to paint or to write a poem... I haven't written poetry in months. I think I'm going to take some time right now to unleash some things.
I didn't expect coming home to Ohio to be so... good. Not that I expected it to be horrible, but I honestly expected it to be boring and to be filled with slow times and being bored out of my mind. And to be totally honest, I can barely believe it's the last week of June and that I will only be home for ten days in July! I have been so filled and have gained so much peace. Whether it be through my small group/Sunday school class, through leading Sr. High kids on a mission trip to North Carolina, through leading worship, through volunteering in the Church office... I've been blessed so much through this summer, and it's only 1/3 of the way over.
I have a certain friend (and 1. she won't read this so I'm going to use her name 2. it isn't bad so I'm going to use her name). My friend, Kendra and I have been through some pretty strange times together. Back in the beginning of high school, we were really close, and then we ended up hating each other. Last year while I was away at college we ended up reconnected after two or more years of barely speaking to each other. This summer, the girl is radically changing my life. The funny thing? She doesn't know it. I was terrified walking into this summer because my closest friend from home was going to be gone all summer. We're teaching a class together at camp and we talk all the time.. in my driveway about life. It's so good to have someone I can talk to and just be transparent with.
I miss transparency. Although I am loving this summer more than I ever thought I would, I miss Johnson and what I have there. Every semester changes with who comes into my life and who leaves it, but I am charged and ready to go back!
Everything is whirling around me right now. I feel like I'm debriefing from Cambodia-for possibly the first time and I'm trying so hard not to think about it. When I do think about it, everything comes flooding back and I feel this animosity toward my country and everyone around me because I can't express how I feel and it seems no one understands the little words I can get out. I am constantly fighting with myself, and truth be told, with God. This Holy Discontent is messing up my life. I have wondered this week what it would be like to live without it. I have wondered what it would be like to be content with what I have and to not want to change the world, or at least someone's world. As much as I have thought about it, I have tried to go back to that place in my life where I would have to reverse that life-change so this heart wrenching Holy Discontent didn't consume me at times.
I laughed when I realized it was when I accepted Christ.
God has completely and wholly messed up my life. I have been living this past year in a ball on the floor because I felt so immobile. There are times when my memories charge me again and I become paralyzed. But God gave me a passion, and I do not believe He put it there just for funsies. The Holy Spirit has been moving somethin ridiculous is me the last few weeks, and I believe it is because I needed to arrive at this conclusion. How am I? I'm messed up. I cry, I pitch fits inside of myself that no one sees, I hate America most of the time, I hate the food in front of me because I have food, I look at things on TV and my stomach turns because of materialism.. I'm not alright. I'm not content either. I don't think God ever wanted me to be.
I may not be alright, but I think I'm alright with Him messing up my life.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27
Looking back a year ago, I was preparing to step foot inside of a country's borders that would forever change my life. I have always been the kind of person that says and then does. When I said I was going to Cambodia, I knew I was going: everyone else around me knew it too.
I have always been determined and have always felt strong. When I returned from Cambodia, I felt weak and shattered. I saw things and experienced things I never imagined. I prepared for my Cambodia trip by reading facts because truly, I couldn't relate to the experience stories. When I was there, I felt so small. Abduction, sin, prostitution and trafficking was all around me, and most days I felt more like a tourist than a missionary. I fought with myself and with God everyday. I fought with my teammates inside of my head because I heard selfish comments about it being too hot or not liking the food. Upon our departure, I heard people wanting nothing more than to go home or to eat American food. I couldn't imagine leaving the people I'd come to love-who loved us so wholly. Our mission had just started, and we were leaving.
At one point in our trip, we were driving in downtown part of the capital. People around me were talking about wanting a massage. Places that give massages in Cambodia are more often than not, brothels. At that point, I saw a girl standing on the street in front of a brothel. In Cambodia, men pay under five dollars to "stay with a girl". Women sell their daughters for 100 dollars. I would've given every penny I had to jump out of the bus and save her. She was right there. So close. And I don't think anyone else saw her because they were too wrapped up in themselves to look out the window.
Less than a minute later, I saw another brothel with no less than ten girls.
I could write on, but I feel it would be too depressing.
Sometimes life is funny. I've been thinking for the last few months that it would be really hard to come back to Ohio for the summer and leave all my friends.
I feel like I'm starting over. I'm becoming a new person. I'm learning new things about myself. I think I did this last summer too, probably because of my ample free time. It's good to not be around people all the time. I really love silence. Sometimes I hate it, but I think that's because I have to deal with myself in silence. Right now, I have the time to deal and to process.
I like this.
I am braking and I am breathing. I haven't breathed since right before I set foot on Johnson's campus in the fall. Then everything went into hyper-drive and I almost suffocated.
Although my summer is off to a refreshing start, I am quite confused about something. It's alright, though. In a few short months in will be remedied I do hope.
I feel alive again. I want to go back to Johnson. But not right now. I need this. I need this break. Breathing is good, and I have been holding my breath for far too long thinking it would sting my lungs. Granted, change is hard, but loving and living is so much greater than just being.
I feel real.
So.. I'm not in SGA anymore. Not really by choosing, and I'm not really sure why. I think that myself, and another SGA member assumed, and wrongly apparently, that because we were current members our names would continue to be on the ballot. I was also told that I was nominated for another position. When I received a ballot, my name was not on it for either spot. I think it may be best though. I was incredibly disappointed, and part of me still is.. but thinking it through has given me time to think of this more as a blessing. I never really went to the events, I just planned them. Plus, it's going to give me more time to participate in things that I want to do. I don't believe it's all that bad.
I miss the play. So much. I want the experience back. I want the people back. I miss the stage and being able to transform into someone else. I love when all troubles melt away and the persona of another character envelopes you. It's magical, and I miss it.
