Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Tuesday, January 11, 2011 9:49 PM
I want classes to start so I have something to do. I feel out of place and isolated.
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A new Beginning.
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Monday, January 10, 2011 2:40 AM
Being back at Johnson is really strange. I'm finding comfort in the ticking of my clock, because it reminds me I'm not all by myself. Everything I can do with my room set-up wise has been completed. I will get my books tomorrow for the classes I hope to get into and will spend the day with my friends that are already here, and will welcome the ones traveling tomorrow. I may play in the snow, and might paint a picture
This world sure is different than what I expected this time a month ago. I'm okay with the change though. I think it will be the most difficult through the end of January. -Until I am sure that I made the right decision. ..and maybe I never will. Only time will tell.
Broken Hallelujah.
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Monday, January 3, 2011 11:20 PM
Ever since I decided to not go to Thailand in January, I've seen my almost-teammates' posts, and have felt a twinge of loss in my heart. Although strange to feel loss over something I've never actually had, it's very real. Almost like unrequited love in a sense. When thinking back on my decision, I know it's the only thing I could've done. Through the entire process of this trip, I never once consulted God on what I should do. It was something I was doing, and something that I almost feel was expected of me. People asked me all semester long how I was feeling: if I was scared, nervous or excited. To be truthful, I'm not sure I felt much throughout the entire process. I was so wrapped up in the present that I wouldn't let myself focus on the future. It was as if by preparing for Thailand, I would somehow leave the state of mind I was in. This semester was no easy one- spiritual warfare attacks from all sides; but I wouldn't change it. I learned so much about myself this semester. I transformed into a better woman of God. I changed physical things about myself to remind myself that I wasn't just a being eating, drinking and breathing daily. And lately, my mind has been racing in step with my heart to a passion I almost had forgotten. My heart rejoices to be going back to school, but it weeps to know what I could've had. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like I've let people down: my supporters, my friends, myself, God. I let go of something that I wanted and that I loved. Something I was so passionate about. And now? Now I don't know what I want, what I'm supposed to do with my life.
I think my time in Cambodia is done. It nearly destroyed me. I made so many incredible memories and my time no doubt changed my life. But I'm not so sure that I'm meant to go back. Since I returned to the states, all I wanted was to go back. The more I think about it, the more I think it's because I wanted my time there to never end-not because I was called to go back. I knew it would be difficult to return from Cambodia to the states. I just didn't think it would've destroyed me like it did. To think I'm not meant to go back to Asia makes me wonder what on Earth I'm supposed to do with my life. I thought I had it all figured out, and God surely showed me that I am not in control. Making the decision to go back to school broke my heart. When I think about sitting in my dorm room and not sitting on a plane to Thailand, I literally fall apart. But, I couldn't have done it any other way. In all of my Christian walk, I would say that hearing and responding to the "wait" I felt so clearly was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I feel an overwhelming need to express myself in some other way than tears. I have so much in me, and don't know how to let it out. The only praise I can muster is this broken hallelujah. My only offering is shattered praise. Still, a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins.
Times are a Changin'
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Tuesday, December 28, 2010 1:36 PM
My life has changed SO much in the last month. I decided I wasn't going to Thailand in January, and am instead going to Guatemala in the summer, got a tattoo, got my hair chopped off and made all the arrangements to go back to school in less than a month. Out of all of these, the most disappointing one is my hair. Without all of my hair, I feel... cold. haha. Oh well. It grows. When I go back to school, I will be living by myself (since Audra moved in with Melanie in my absence). I'm going to do Tour Choir, and am 75% sure I'm doing the musical. I don't have to leave my team and my middle school kids from City Life.
Times are a Changin'. But I'm ready.
Staying in the States
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Thursday, December 23, 2010 1:28 AM
The title says it all. Because of a few different circumstances, I will be moving my trip to Thailand from January-May to June-August. Of the reasons, the biggest is me not being ready emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I wrestled with God on this one and my hip has surely broken. I need time, and I will be seeking just that this semester. I will be returning to Johnson this spring and will complete this next semester there. The donations that have already been received will go toward my trip in the summer. I have peace about this decision, and don't exactly know what's going to happen this semester (since I wasn't planning on having this semester of school), but I know it will be for the best. Thank you all for your support, it really has meant more to me than words can express. Much gratitude, Emma.
Terrified
Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Sunday, December 19, 2010 11:05 PM
I am absolutely terrified that if I go back to Johnson in the fall, there won't be a place for me. People will be growing and changing without me. People will have experienced heartache, joy, laughter, memories.. things I won't be there for. I'm scared of being replaced. I feel like it would be easy.. people would fill the Emma gap with other people. Things change, you adapt. It's human nature. I don't know if I could handle coming back to an environment that is used to me not being around.
I don't want to be forgotten.
My whole life, I've yearned for acceptance, and I have it at Johnson. I fear that if I leave, I won't have it when I return.
I guess this is where faith comes in. I have to trust that God will provide me with the same incredible friends I've had the last year and a half. And if not? Then I will keep going.
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