Who are you to judge me? I know I am not perfect and do not claim to be. But before you start pointing your fingers, make sure your hands are clean.
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that you've decided to live beyond the imperfections. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer will always be no. If you don't step forward, you'll always be in the same place. So, love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
I never thought life was going to be easy. I've never been one to always dream of puppies and fields of flowers. But at the same time, I never thought life could end up being this great.
Sure, this week has been kind of crazy and I've shed my fair share of tears, but I wouldn't trade this life I've been given for anything. My friends, mistakes and all, are wonderful to me. Without them I don't know how I would be walking through college. This God I have and try to serve is so great and so mighty that He has known all along that I would get to this place in my life and look back on everything and know that He had his reasons. While some seem silly to me, I see myself strengthening.
I look back a year ago and the differences are so ridiculous. Jesus makes people new, and He picked me to be on His team. Sometimes I'm a really bad player and I sit out because I think I can't go on. But He's pretty much the best coach out there.
This semester, I have learned so much about myself. I feel that next semester will change a lot of things for me and that these last few months have prepared me. I have finals next week that may drastically change my next semester. I'm trying to be prepared. But, alas, I am not.
It will be alright.
It always is.
I have locked myself in my room and have positioned myself here. I have a song on repeat and want to write until the sun sets. Although the last is not possible because of obligations this afternoon, this is the only time I have today to breathe.
This week is going by SO much faster than I expected. Tonight I have a four hour practice that will include Tour Choir practice, combined choir practice, and probably my quartet practice. Maybe dancing? Who knew I would actually remember what to do! My dance partner isn't so bad, actually, it's fun now that he is actually doing what he is supposed to do. -We got this.
Today in Chapel, I barely sang. It really isn't that important.. but without a full band, the voices sound beautiful. And today was one of those days when one of those smiles just came across my face and I couldn't stop myself from listening and adoring what God has gifted people with. Even those who can't sing made it beautiful. The passion that people have for worshiping is so much more beautiful than voices. A lot would argue, but I would win.
I used to walk really slowly. everywhere I went I was always in the back of the group taking in everything, looking around... being that strange girl with her head in the clouds. Sometime last year life caught up with me and I sped up. My steps started going faster and now I usually look down at my feet and speed walk to wherever I'm going. I like lollygagging! I always leave ten mins before I need to anyway.. Maybe I should go slower. maybe my life would seem to slow too, then.
So.. this is cute:
"Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep
I'll be right here
I'll stay awake
As long as you need me
To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I'm watching over you" -Keep You Safe -JJ Heller.
Fan.
I'm back in Tennessee.
It feels nice.
Although life is going to speed off into space on a crazy busy rocket ship at 6 pm tonight, I don't care.
I'm back in Tennessee.
And I'm breathing.
Ok. So.. I miss Cambodia. I've tried a lot of different things to forget (which sounds really bad) but my heart is so fixated on that place, I feel like I'm not living my life. I know life isn't supposed to be filled with happy smiles and be pain free.. But when I think about Cambodia, it's really hard to get up from the ball that I end up crawling into. I have no idea if my other teammates are in the same boat as I am, but they seem to be doing well.
I just don't get why I'm being so affected by this period of time in my life that happened this summer. I have an opportunity to go to Myanmar and Thailand this summer, but have not finished the application because I am so terrified of there being an amplified version of this me next year.
I know I left a piece of my heart there, but sometimes it feels like that piece is the only piece that is beating.
Posted by
Cracks Let The Light Come In
12:04 AM
"Am I really living or am I just existing?" happens to be the first line of the song I began listening to in preparation for writing tonight. Funny.
You know that feeling you get right around Christmas time? The kind of 'just present' feeling that makes Christmas music not so annoying and the love of Grandparents and toddlers singing out of tune beautiful. It's the kind of feeling that really does feel like good tidings and good cheer. Maybe it's also because it marks an end. Obviously Christmas comes at the end of the year and this joyous occasion only comes then (except for those strange people who think it happens in July?). The date never changes, and, usually, the feeling of Christmas stays within the date range.
I had this all to familiar Christmasy feeling in August. I had never felt it so out of season. In October, maybe. But it was near 100 and the humidity was wreaking havoc on all those who cared about their hair. I don't know why my heart wanted it to be Christmas then, but now, all I want to do is go back to summer..
Christmas is like one of those times when you catch a scent in the breeze. Something you've smelled before, but you can't place it. I used to have one of those smells. It only happened when I was outside and I couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was. But every so often.. when the wind would blow.. My mind would remember something and my heart would go racing after the unseen. I would reach and reach to try to grasp the memory. But, I never succeeded.
Snow does that for me. Something that can be so tragic and so deadly I see as something invigorating and empowering. I still get upset when people walk in "my snow". That is probably the one thing I miss the most about Ohio. Snow Storms. In my bathroom, I have a little window. When it snows, I go inside and close the door, turn the lights out and open my window. I'm pretty sure I could listen to snow falling for the rest of my life. People like rain. Rainfall sounds messy and destructive. I pick snow. It's mystical and magical-eerie almost. Floating to the ground with a sound that I have never read or ever heard accurately described.
I have always loved snow. I have always loved winter. I have always loved when ice danced on bare branches white. So why is that I somehow want to return to summer all of a sudden? I think it's because the year is coming to a close, and I left my heart in July.
