Today, while I was working and running things from place to place, I was walking back to the EAC. It had just rained and was quite humid. I got to the top of the stairs outside of the building and a gust of wind hit me. For a moment, just a small, tiny second in my day, I was transported thousands of miles away to a land that I love oh, so much. My heart and mind launched out of me and I stood there motionless remembering. I have no idea where that smell came from-the distinct smell of fish paste. But it was there. It was hot out today, too. So it even felt like Cambodia. For just a second, I was reminded what it will feel like next semester when I'm there.
I feel so restless. I want to be there, but I know I need to be here right now. I was told once that I God had anointed me for this- for this mission, for this calling. I half laughed it off half peed my pants. But I know it's true.
Today? Today I longed for the smell of fish, the feeling of heat coming through my shoes, the sound of laughing little girls, and the land of Cambodia.
I am a melancholy. And in recent days, the word reigns ever so true in my life. The life seems to be sucked out of me when I am around people. Or, at least people that are in groups of more than 4 people.
I just feel suffocated.
I didn't think that leaving would be so hard. It's almost 3 in the morning, and I've barely packed anything. I think there is a part of, somewhere inside, that thinks that if I don't pack then I get to stay here and spend more time with my friends. I have grown so much, and have loved so much this summer. I have needed a best friend for so long, and I have one. Someone I used to HATE! (and she would say the same about me) But now, I cry at the thought of leaving her.
It is as the title says it is. I am Knoxville bound. My life is going to change drastically over the next 48 hours and I haven't quite grasped it yet. I've only packed 85% of my clothes and my room is a complete mess. I am kind of terrified for what tomorrow has in store for me.
But..
I'm ready. I'm ready to live this life that was given to me. All of the change moments I've have this past year, since I got back from Cambodia, have equipped me to go back, and have equipped me for this semester that awaits me. I have nothing to fear.
I sat behind a wheel today for the first time in two years. No, this is not the "wheel" you are probably thinking of. Being that I don't drive, my wheel is, and always has been, a pottery wheel. In artsy terms, you could say that I was "wheel throwing" or "throwing" today for a good four hours. I made three pieces. The first was a bowl, and I am quite proud of it actually. I've never made a successful bowl, and I think I have. I then made a mug which looked really gross at first, but after some working, reworking, and more working, I'm a fan. And finally, I made a really strange piece that probably won't made it back to college with me, unless the weird groove in it fits a spoon, and then it can be a cereal bowl.
Anyway. When I would throw in high school (so long ago, I know), I used to think about how God would work us like I would the clay. Through the things I've been through this past year and thing things I've begun to wrestle with this summer it's easy to look at clay and see myself. I work the clay over and over again and sometimes it doesn't come out like I had envisioned it. There was a point in one of my pieces that there wasn't enough water on the clay so it was getting really dry and the grit was starting to hurt my hands. It was actually heating up from the friction.
We put God through a lot of crap just because we want to do it our way. Hours later I'm still finding dust on my clothes and am rewashing my hands because it still feels like there is clay on them. God cleans up our messes time and time again because cleaning up once isn't enough for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah I need to read my own post and figure my life out too. But I don't need to have everything figured out. I'm strides further than two weeks ago. And I like that.
Audra came to visit me tonight. We stargazed for five hours. It felt SO good just to be with someone from Johnson. I was reminded of how much I am loved by my friends at school and how well I am understood by them. Something inside of me shifted tonight while I spent my few hours with Audra.
I feel like I moved on.
I want to go back to Cambodia, absolutely. But being with her, it reminded me that my life isn't meant to be in the past. I have been living my life on pause since I came back from Cambodia and haven't been striving onward. I've been stagnant, pessimistic, annoying and annoyed. My joy has left, my smile has faded and in place a crater of depression has formed. But tonight.. tonight I felt so happy. Tonight I was living in the present.
When I left Cambodia, I left a piece of my heart there. But my heart didn't stop beating. I kept going. And I have found myself here, in this moment. Maybe I go back to Cambodia next summer, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm supposed to go somewhere else or I'm supposed think something else. ..Maybe I should stop thinking my plan and start living His.
All I know, is that sometime tonight, between Audra pulling in my driveway, the dew falling on the grass (and on us), the two of us laughing until we cried and staying up way past our bedtimes, a much needed shift occurred. A shift to the present.
If my life were set to music, some slow, sappy piano melodies would be playing right now. I wish I could explain it. On Wednesday, it had been 1 year since I'd been in Cambodia. Nothing else makes sense to me. I am ALWAYS missing Cambodia. Always.
All these crazy emotions come flooding into my heart and my head like waves at high tide and extinguish as fast as a forest fire begins. Wave after wave renders me immobile or causes me to jump to my feet. The next second, I am as stale as the crackers in the cabinet that have been there for years. Maybe I'm not alright. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Maybe after a year I should be over this?
