Cracks Let the Light Come In

Dust to Dust

Posted by Cracks Let The Light Come In , Tuesday, August 20, 2013 1:05 AM

My last post was written just over a week ago, and somehow, I feel like so much has changed.

I had a conversation Sunday with my youth minister about being a youth coach. He told me that he was wanting to create a new role for me-something that didn't have me in a small group on Sunday nights. He went on to describe this current stage of my life as a transition period. He's right. My heart was breaking while we were talking and I felt like the one thing that was keeping me here was being taken from me. He was saying that I need to take care of myself and my heart before I try to help other people.

In just the last few weeks I have been in this deep mourning over the life I had...and I feel like no one understands. I feel completely alone in this and I made the youth group my community to invest in. I think that I thought that if I poured into those students, I would be better and really, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain I'm experiencing.

And that was selfish of me.

When I think about my life, the only thing that I know is that I desperately want to be in ministry somewhere. For the last few years, I was convinced that I didn't want that. I was convinced that I wasn't cut out for ministry and that I would fail in missions. And now? All I can think about is how I want more than what I have. I wasn't made and created to be a barista for the rest of my life. So much of my heart is yearning for adventure, for genuine joy, true friendships and to do something that makes a difference in other people's lives.

In a way, the conversation I had with my youth minister about not being a youth coach set me free. Not that being a youth coach is something bad or something I don't want to do (because I truly love those kids...so it isn't that). But my heart is bursting at the seams to be with people and be in ministry with them. I had no idea how much my heart truly yearned for this. I guess not having it has made me realize how much I truly do miss it.

I recently had a conversation with a precious friend from college. I was asking about the ministry she is a part of full-time; asking if there might be a place for me. The response I got was the one I've been looking for for so long. There could very well be a place for me in this ministry. I am trying not to get too excited about this and trying not to get my hopes up. But I feel like this very well could be the next move for me.

I have been ignoring my heart for such a long time. Why? Well...I think it's because I was afraid of my passions. I was afraid of being who God has called me to be. I was afraid to grow and be challenged to be different. I was afraid to grow up and stop being a child. I can't survive this way anymore. My heart is finally speaking and I'm going to chase after what I know my God has called me to do.

I have three tattoos. Each one of them are representative of significant times in my Christian walk. The very first one is written in Khmer (what they speak in Cambodia). It means "Created". I was created to attempt the impossible, dream bigger than before and give up what I want every day so that the Kingdom may be glorified. I was created for this life that I so conveniently have been ignoring since I returned from Guatemala.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. But the funny thing is that the tears streaming down my face tonight are completely different than the tears I have experienced all summer, and especially these last few weeks. I feel like I've ben freed of this prison of what I thought I was. I really can be in ministry. I am NOT incapable. That is Satan talking and stealing my joy-which he has done for far too long.

I am so glad I spoke to my friend from college. My life may forever be changed because of that conversation.

Life is looking so much different today than it did yesterday...But I couldn't be more grateful for that.