Cracks Let the Light Come In

I've been trying to find the right words for about three weeks. For a while I didn't know what it was. Something inside of me has been slowly crumbling. It's this wall that I put up as I attempted to protect myself. I tried protecting myself from the world. I tried protecting myself from change. I tried protecting myself from heartbreak...but here I am, heartbroken.

This isn't the normal "someone hurt me" heartbreak. I am in deep mourning. Deep mourning over the life I lived for the last five years of my life that is now over. No matter how irrational it sounds, my heart breaks more every day thinking about the people I now have to do my life without. I sit here, with my computer on my lap listening to The Civil Wars, and I weep. No one ever prepares you for life after college. To be honest, I'm frustrated. I now live at home (which has turned out to be better than I expected), but I don't belong here. I lived on my own for five years, in an entirely different state, and here I am, back in Ohio. The people in my life now don't know this me. They know the Emma from high school-which is certainly not the best version of me. I want people to push past what they knew of me and get to know this me. I miss people knowing exactly how I feel when I walk into a room. I guess I was spoiled, really.

I ended up with the best friends, band mates, and brothers in the entire world.

Then I have this discontent. A Holy Discontent, they call it. Human Trafficking. I'm sure you've heard of it. When I think about it, sing about, pray about, talk about it...my heart races and I feel that I need to stop it. I had thought from my senior year of high school until about two years ago that I would be an advocate for human trafficking. Full Time. I would either live in Asia or travel telling people about the 27 million still in slavery today. But here I am, at home in Ohio. I always thought I was destined for adventure. Daring sword fights, far off places, magic spells, a prince in disguise!  Something more than living at home. I can't tell if this is where I'm meant to be or not. And that's frustrating. 

I say all these things, and it sounds as though I am ungrateful. Maybe I am. But I think I'm just sad. The life I've known for the last 5 years is over. This last school year was hands down the best year of life I've ever lived. I've never been more heartbroken, challenged, filled up, loved, and just down right joyful. I think it's healthy to mourn that loss. I just hate that I feel so alone while I'm searching for contentment. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know that I'll work at Starbucks for the rest of my days. But what then? What am I going to do? The people I love so deeply are scattered across the states and most aren't finished with school. If I honestly had it my way, I would travel with those people and play music with them until the end of my days. I miss music. I miss good, complicated, tasteful, beautiful music. 

I love these people and the music we make when we are together. If that is any taste of what Heaven is going to be like... I want to go now.
Do you want to know what is great in my life? Because there really are things to be grateful for. 
-A few weeks ago, I was a counselor at the good old Woodland Lakes Christian Camp for a junior high week. I was a family group leader and the first full day of camp, I had found out that I friend I attended Johnson with passed from cancer. I was heartbroken all week, so naturally, I was a bit withdrawn from the kids. On Thursday night I was wondering if I had been effective and if it was wise that I went in the first place. The next day? The next day one of the boys from my family group asked me to baptize him.

On Saturday, July 20th, I baptized someone for the very first time. 

-I am now employed at Starbucks! I have not started yet, but I'm excited to begin.
-I have been surprised how much I have fallen in love with junior high students this summer. They have completely stolen my heart in the last few months. So much so, that I am now a junior high youth coach. I am very excited to be able to invest in these kids. They teach me so much everyday. They remind me to laugh at myself and challenge me to ask the tough questions. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.


When it comes down to it, I'm just now letting myself grieve. It's about time, I suppose. I am so glad I spent five years at Johnson University, and will forever call that place home. I just wish growing up didn't hurt so much.
I guess they are called growing pains for a reason.