My last post was written just over a week ago, and somehow, I feel like so much has changed.
I had a conversation Sunday with my youth minister about being a youth coach. He told me that he was wanting to create a new role for me-something that didn't have me in a small group on Sunday nights. He went on to describe this current stage of my life as a transition period. He's right. My heart was breaking while we were talking and I felt like the one thing that was keeping me here was being taken from me. He was saying that I need to take care of myself and my heart before I try to help other people.
In just the last few weeks I have been in this deep mourning over the life I had...and I feel like no one understands. I feel completely alone in this and I made the youth group my community to invest in. I think that I thought that if I poured into those students, I would be better and really, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain I'm experiencing.
And that was selfish of me.
When I think about my life, the only thing that I know is that I desperately want to be in ministry somewhere. For the last few years, I was convinced that I didn't want that. I was convinced that I wasn't cut out for ministry and that I would fail in missions. And now? All I can think about is how I want more than what I have. I wasn't made and created to be a barista for the rest of my life. So much of my heart is yearning for adventure, for genuine joy, true friendships and to do something that makes a difference in other people's lives.
In a way, the conversation I had with my youth minister about not being a youth coach set me free. Not that being a youth coach is something bad or something I don't want to do (because I truly love those kids...so it isn't that). But my heart is bursting at the seams to be with people and be in ministry with them. I had no idea how much my heart truly yearned for this. I guess not having it has made me realize how much I truly do miss it.
I recently had a conversation with a precious friend from college. I was asking about the ministry she is a part of full-time; asking if there might be a place for me. The response I got was the one I've been looking for for so long. There could very well be a place for me in this ministry. I am trying not to get too excited about this and trying not to get my hopes up. But I feel like this very well could be the next move for me.
I have been ignoring my heart for such a long time. Why? Well...I think it's because I was afraid of my passions. I was afraid of being who God has called me to be. I was afraid to grow and be challenged to be different. I was afraid to grow up and stop being a child. I can't survive this way anymore. My heart is finally speaking and I'm going to chase after what I know my God has called me to do.
I have three tattoos. Each one of them are representative of significant times in my Christian walk. The very first one is written in Khmer (what they speak in Cambodia). It means "Created". I was created to attempt the impossible, dream bigger than before and give up what I want every day so that the Kingdom may be glorified. I was created for this life that I so conveniently have been ignoring since I returned from Guatemala.
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. But the funny thing is that the tears streaming down my face tonight are completely different than the tears I have experienced all summer, and especially these last few weeks. I feel like I've ben freed of this prison of what I thought I was. I really can be in ministry. I am NOT incapable. That is Satan talking and stealing my joy-which he has done for far too long.
I am so glad I spoke to my friend from college. My life may forever be changed because of that conversation.
Life is looking so much different today than it did yesterday...But I couldn't be more grateful for that.
I've been trying to find the right words for about three weeks. For a while I didn't know what it was. Something inside of me has been slowly crumbling. It's this wall that I put up as I attempted to protect myself. I tried protecting myself from the world. I tried protecting myself from change. I tried protecting myself from heartbreak...but here I am, heartbroken.
This isn't the normal "someone hurt me" heartbreak. I am in deep mourning. Deep mourning over the life I lived for the last five years of my life that is now over. No matter how irrational it sounds, my heart breaks more every day thinking about the people I now have to do my life without. I sit here, with my computer on my lap listening to The Civil Wars, and I weep. No one ever prepares you for life after college. To be honest, I'm frustrated. I now live at home (which has turned out to be better than I expected), but I don't belong here. I lived on my own for five years, in an entirely different state, and here I am, back in Ohio. The people in my life now don't know this me. They know the Emma from high school-which is certainly not the best version of me. I want people to push past what they knew of me and get to know this me. I miss people knowing exactly how I feel when I walk into a room. I guess I was spoiled, really.
I ended up with the best friends, band mates, and brothers in the entire world.
Then I have this discontent. A Holy Discontent, they call it. Human Trafficking. I'm sure you've heard of it. When I think about it, sing about, pray about, talk about it...my heart races and I feel that I need to stop it. I had thought from my senior year of high school until about two years ago that I would be an advocate for human trafficking. Full Time. I would either live in Asia or travel telling people about the 27 million still in slavery today. But here I am, at home in Ohio. I always thought I was destined for adventure. Daring sword fights, far off places, magic spells, a prince in disguise! Something more than living at home. I can't tell if this is where I'm meant to be or not. And that's frustrating.
I say all these things, and it sounds as though I am ungrateful. Maybe I am. But I think I'm just sad. The life I've known for the last 5 years is over. This last school year was hands down the best year of life I've ever lived. I've never been more heartbroken, challenged, filled up, loved, and just down right joyful. I think it's healthy to mourn that loss. I just hate that I feel so alone while I'm searching for contentment. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know that I'll work at Starbucks for the rest of my days. But what then? What am I going to do? The people I love so deeply are scattered across the states and most aren't finished with school. If I honestly had it my way, I would travel with those people and play music with them until the end of my days. I miss music. I miss good, complicated, tasteful, beautiful music.
I love these people and the music we make when we are together. If that is any taste of what Heaven is going to be like... I want to go now.
Do you want to know what is great in my life? Because there really are things to be grateful for.
-A few weeks ago, I was a counselor at the good old Woodland Lakes Christian Camp for a junior high week. I was a family group leader and the first full day of camp, I had found out that I friend I attended Johnson with passed from cancer. I was heartbroken all week, so naturally, I was a bit withdrawn from the kids. On Thursday night I was wondering if I had been effective and if it was wise that I went in the first place. The next day? The next day one of the boys from my family group asked me to baptize him.
On Saturday, July 20th, I baptized someone for the very first time.
-I am now employed at Starbucks! I have not started yet, but I'm excited to begin.
-I have been surprised how much I have fallen in love with junior high students this summer. They have completely stolen my heart in the last few months. So much so, that I am now a junior high youth coach. I am very excited to be able to invest in these kids. They teach me so much everyday. They remind me to laugh at myself and challenge me to ask the tough questions. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.
When it comes down to it, I'm just now letting myself grieve. It's about time, I suppose. I am so glad I spent five years at Johnson University, and will forever call that place home. I just wish growing up didn't hurt so much.
I guess they are called growing pains for a reason.
It's interesting to me how things always seem to play out in my life. I am currently sitting outside at Starbucks while I am procrastinating on my homework. I am sitting with two of my best friends and wondering how I got to this place. Earlier in our adventure to Starbucks, I got some news that I didn't want and sat on a couch outside of Starbucks and cried on my best friend's shoulder. In trying to reconcile my feelings, I logged into this blog that I haven't posted on in a very long time.
And there it was.
My blog's title is "Cracks Let the Light Come In".. And they do. God's Glory will shine in and through my life even in the midst of heartache. I may be hurting, but my God is always going to be there to pick me up from the ashes that I find myself in so often.
It always seems like whenever I am doing great things for the Kingdom, Satan come in on his black steed and tries to knock me off my white horse. Newsflash: That isn't happening this time. I have phenomenal friends and a God who loves me. I am blessed beyond what I deserve and even beyond what I can comprehend.
I am currently listening to an original song, "First Love" that my friends and I wrote and recorded last weekend. I am struck by the coincidence that as soon as we recorded this song to get out there, I get news that I didn't want, and news that broke a part of my heart.
I could let this suffocate me. I could let this ruin me. I could sit here and cry for countless hours until my tear ducts run dry.
But I'm going to choose life instead. I'm going to choose to live instead of wallowing in my pain and suffering. God's Glory is going to shine in my life because I'm going to choose that.
I once was lost, but now I'm found
I once was blind, but now I see
I once was mine but now I'm yours
I once was bound but now I'm free.
I'm so free.
There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I am supposed to be studying for a midterm I have tomorrow but my heart is filled with so much.
Only a few weeks ago, I was rejoicing with the LORD for blessing me with such wonderful, Godly friends. I had no idea those exact friends would be the source of so much confusion and pain over the next month. I have been on one interesting roller coaster that last few weeks. Everything aside, know what I've learned?
God is STILL sovereign. Still.
In my weakness. In their weaknesses. In my failed moments of being a counselor. In the tears I have cried. In the friends I have lost.
He is STILL sovereign. Over all of it.
He has taken my brokenness and made it whole. Complete. Beautiful.
There are so many fantastic things that are going on this week at Exponential. I'm not even sure where to begin.
For the first time in a long time, I am experiencing joy from serving other people. It reminds me of the call that God placed on my life so many years ago to go into missions. I am a firm believer that God can use other people to speak words to people and this week is no exception. I have had multiple people comment on how I'm "a ray of sunshine" or that I'm "going to shine". A lot of these people are people of authority over the volunteers. I'm flabbergasted by the pouring of the Holy Spirit by these people.
It may seem odd that a few simple words have seemingly changed my outlook on things.. But I can't explain how fulfilled I feel right now. So much is stirring in my heart. The people that I travelled all this way have been challenging me and they don't even know it.
I'm ready to be sifted.
There were points during this week that I felt like I was drowning. I got a very unexpected migraine in the middle of the week which threw everything off which caused me to miss two of my classes which I didn't intend on skipping until I go home in a month. This morning, I woke up at 7:48 for my 7:35 class.
But in the midst of all of that.. I'm learning how to live again! No.. waking up late and having migraines is not my idea of fun. But other things that happened this week are bringing me back to life.
I had my first musical practice last night. It felt so good again to be back in the saddle, doing what I do best. I was singing all the high notes, and people were kind of freaking out about it. It's so normal for me that I don't really think about it anymore. There is a song that Tour Choir is doing that has a quartet section in it, and because we lost a bunch of people, Mr. Weaver wanted it to actually be 4 people instead of a group of people. He called us all down there, and told us that the people with the most classical voices would be singing the quartet. And out of 6 sopranos, he picked me. :) Mr. Weaver hasn't really ever acknowledged my voice.. so this was a big deal for me!
I also found out that about 7 people nominated me for Secretary of Harvesters :) So.. you're looking at the new secretary! Yippee!
Tour Choir tours this Sunday.. which I'm excited about, and not at the same time. The 5 hour rehearsal tonight is not what I'm excited about, for sure. But I was asked to be on the PR team for Tour Choir.. which to me is a big honor. I get to represent the mission students at Johnson through Tour Choir :)
I'm sure that other wonderful things have happened recently, but I need to get cookin on my homework :)
